Toronto Ultimate Festival 2009 - Manster

"Hey, Juan. That's a funny name." The tournament hadn't even started, and already the trash-talking began. What was weird was that I'd known the speaker for about 10 years, and the best he could come up with was my name was funny? I asked him to clarify and he said, "Manster! That's a great name for the Open version of Monster!" Oh yeah...maybe I'm too sensitive. And thus, did Monster's foray into single-gendered Ultimate begin.

Seeded first overall, Manster had high hopes. Hopes founded on Goat's request to play their teams against one another in their starting pool and thus seeding them 2/3. Number one by default still counts as number one, right?

Roy
Manster's first game of the day was against Roy, the third team in Toronto's Open club system. With almost two lines of Monster men plus pick-ups compared to 21 hungry Open players trying to make Roy, there was a slight disparity between the teams' urgency of play. After a turnover near Manster's endzone, Roy went up 1-0. Roy almost scored another, before they turned it over on Manster's goal line. Manster was about to start their comeback, but a torrential downpour halted the game. The rain soon turned into hail, but luckily most people were hiding in their car. After everyone cleared the ice chips from the field (seriously), the games resumed. Roy pulled ahead, but Manster managed to keep it close and eventually squeaked out the game by the end.

Manster Win: 11-10, 1-0

Grand Trunk 1
Although Grand Trunk's talent was watered down by several of their prospective players playing on the Goat squads and splitting the rest between two teams, GT1 was a solid squad. Manster did not adjust to the faster pace, and GT1 pulled ahead to a 7-1 half-time advantage on the strength of quick movement followed by precise hucks. During the half, Peyton talked about pride and playing our game and the team clawed back. Unfortunately, it was too little, too late as time ran out.

Manster Loss: 8-13, 1-1

Foshizzle (Fossil)
Manster's third game of the day came against the previous year's bronze medalists in the Masters Division: Fossil. Well, their try-out team Foshizzle anyway. The rain returned, and Manster's speed was nullified by the muddied fields. Foshizzle took the half 7-2, and Peyton recycled his "take some pride and let's do it" speech. Manster went on a big run to start the second half, and the horn sounded at 10-10. Manster managed to win the game on Universe Point, and the silverbacks reminisced about what might have been.

Monster Win: 11-10, 2-1

Too Bad
After a bye, Manster faced the longest running touring team in Toronto (and possibly Canada), Too Bad's roster changes from tournament to tournament (sometimes from game to game). Greg Lang and Ian Brooks formed the backbone of this team's edition. With the strong wind blowing, huck and pin became the dominant strategy for both teams. Lang tried to force a few upwind, but even he couldn't muscle through it. Too Bad threw a 1-3-2-1 wall defense on, but Manster scored the first upwind break. Manster had another chance at an upwind score, but failed to convert and Too Bad scored immediately after. Too Bad then scored an upwinder to take the half 7-6. With Manster receiving and going upwind, they gutted out a score when a Manster player snagged an overthrown disc for the point. With the wind dying down, Too Bad looked to open up their offense going against the upwind, and they worked it quickly against Manster's zone defense. Lang caught the disc on the sideline, and attempted an O-I backhand that never came in. A Manster played picked up the disc and threw it back to where Lang stood. Lang then informed Manster that it was a turnover. After some heated arguing, Too Bad kept the disc and started moving it again. On a desperation huck, Lang threw it to Brooks in triple coverage, but Ian couldn't bring it down. Manster had another chance to win the game, but turned it over. Too Bad worked it up the field another time, and on stall 9, Lang threw a disc that sailed by Peyton's hands into Brooks'. Although there was a lot of bad blood over the turnover call, Manster lost the game when they failed to capitalize on the upwinder and subsequent downwinder earlier in the game. Regardless, finishing top three in the pool meant a 10:30 start time the next day.

Manster Loss: 7-8, 2-2

11 PM E-mail Check
"Due to fields becoming unusuable, blah blah blah...please find attached the new schedule, blah blah blah, 9:00 - Manster vs. Goat 1"...WTF???

So. Angry.

Goat 1
Goat 1 was short-rostered at the start of the game, but every player they had were tall (or could jump really high), athletic and a good player. They attempted big hucks against Manster, but their completion rate was low. Manster methodically worked the disc up and played tight defense. With Goat 1 up 8-6 at half and Manster playing the best it had all weekend, there was hope for an upset. Unfortunately, Goat 1 woke up after the half and pulled away for the win.

Manster Loss: 8-15, 2-3

NADS
North Bay's Open team was the only team that had a smaller roster than Manster, with two female members. Having played North Bay women before, this wasn't a drawback for the NADS and they would be playing as hard as most men in the tournament. They agreed to play a slightly shorter game (to 13) as long as we allowed behind-the-back scores to count for two points. Knowing this was a sucker's bet, Manster's captains still accepted. By the end of the game, NADS scored three behind-the-backs, but Manster prevailed due to the NADS' short roster and general exhaustion.

Manster Win: 14-7, 3-3

Conclusion
Overall, Manster went 3-3 to finish 5th out of 10 teams at TUF. The team didn't play up to its potential on Saturday, and it was unfortunate that it took until Sunday to finally realize what it could do. Overall, it was a fun time and there were relatively few injuries for such cold, wet weather.

:: 2009 MONSTER tryouts ::

Hello fellow ultimate players,

MONSTER ultimate is preparing for a competitive season with the goal of earning a bid at the 2009 Canadian Ultimate Championships to attend the 2010 World Ultimate Club Championships in Prague. We would like to invite ultimate players who are looking for a competitive and fun experience to tryout for our team.

Date: Sunday April 26, 2009
Time: 3:15-4:30pm
Location: Eglinton Park

We understand that our tryout follows the Ultimate Experience co-ed tryouts from 11:00am-3:00pm. This is meant to make it easier for anyone interested in attending all co-ed tryouts. Should the tryout time and location change for the Ultimate Experience, we will move time and location accordingly.

We want to assure those interested in trying out for all teams that fatigue will be taken into consideration. For those only interested in trying out with MONSTER, we suggest arriving earlier (around 2:15pm) to warm up.

Following this first tryout, we will invite select players to a second tryout on Wednesday April 29, 6:00-8:00pm.

We are planning a reduced tournament schedule this summer with an emphasis on competitive tournaments.

1) Bell Crack Classic (Philadelphia): May 16-17
2) Easterns (Boston): June 6-7
3) Regionals (Ontario): July
4) No Borders (Ottawa): July 25-26 *
5) Canadian Ultimate Championships (Winnipeg): August 13-16

* single gendered

We are also planning to hold one team practice/week, one local fitness practice/week as well as a Saturday practice on June 27 and another Saturday practice in July or August.

If you are interested in trying out for MONSTER, please fill in this form.

Please direct any questions you have to one of our captains:
Peyton Leung peyton.leung@gmail.com
Stephen Canning stephencanning8@hotmail.com

See you on the field!

Northern Fights, Erm, Flights

The week leading up to Northern Flights was very wet, and rumors of a possible wash out dampened everyone’s spirits. The Tournament Director lost permits for fields from the city, but managed to find replacement fields at the last minute at an abandoned mental health facility. While this sounds like an excellent plot for a horror movie (backwoods, abandoned hospital, etc.), the biggest thing we worried about for the weekend were the bugs.

And the Tournament Director. Seeding us seventh, we were upset by their placing us behind Liquid, Mayhem and Tundra (teams we had beaten/finished higher than earlier in the season). They were adamant about the seeding, so we began our day in Group D (aka the Group of Death).

That’s What She Said (Sault Ste Marie, ON)

Now, I had no idea there was Ultimate in the Sault. (To be honest, I was not really aware they had much of anything there.) That said, this team was very focused on their game play and ran hard. Their lack of experience showed, but they ran plays and had a very active sideline. I am excited about their progress in the future. Unfortunately, all of their merits was not enough to overcome Monster’s experience and the game was quickly over.

Their spirit game pitted Mel and myself in a human obstacle course. First we had to spin around 10 times, weave between people, crawl between someone’s legs, jump over someone, and finally throw a disc through looped arms. Needless to say, Mel’s compact form decimated me during the spinning portion and she won the prize. When she found out it was a shot of Sour Puss, she passed it onto me.

PS: Bonus points for their cheers of consisting of someone yelling something like “Go deep!” and the team responding with “That’s what she said!”

Final Score: 15-1

Solid (Ottawa, ON)

A solid core of veteran Ottawa Ultimate players (as well as Brooks and Grace), this team was badly miss-seeded at 14. They beat the top seed in our pool during the previous game, and were looking for a second straight upset. We rushed to a quick lead, and shell-shocked Solid. Our start was probably due to having a long break after our first game and their exhaustion from a chippy, time-capped game in the previous slot.

After half, Solid began to make a run. During the run, there was some contact and a call was made that caused an emotional outburst. Steve, started yelling at Rolo (think David vs. Goliath) and words and shoving ensued. Peyton and Pat came from the far sideline, and Mike Hill got in their way. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed when we called a time out and the game settled down. Monster held on for the win.

Final Score: 15-6

Monsoon

Before our bye, we were told to be back by 3:00 for warm-ups. Several of us went looking for food, and halfway through, the rain started to come. We got back to the fields by 3:15, but the torrential downpour didn’t stop until around 4:00. The Tournament Director said that the final two games would be played, but only for an hour each. With lightning still visible in the distance, we got ready for our third game of the day.

The Raincocks (North Bay, ON)

Named after someone on the team’s last name, The Raincocks were four Stella/Lotus women, Dime and some NADS guys. They were ready to play, and we began the game in a rain-soaked daze. Playing four women and using the long game, The Raincocks took a 6-1 lead.

Solid came by and camped on our sideline and started cheering us and heckling the other team. (If we won, they had a chance at Top 8, if we lost, they were definitely out.) The heckling got to The Raincocks, and Solid was asked to tone it down. Solid referred to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms and discussed public nature of the forum and their freedom of speech. Eloquent arguments were put forth by both sides, but eventually it was sealed with the efficient “Fuck off!”

Knowing what we had to do to rally back, we started running their shorthanded team and forcing them into tighter throws with tighter defense. Using our flow game, we clawed back to a 7-7 tie. The Raincocks were flustered, and them receiving the disc to take it to half, the horn sounded. They exhibited a lot of patience going up the field for 5-10 yard gainers, and eventually, they went for it from 10 yards out by throwing to Sherri Maddigan. She looked ready to score when Pat swooped in (CLEANLY) and took the disc away from her.

Monster quickly began moving the disc the other way, with Sasha and Pat working the deeps and opening up the mid. Peyton got the disc on the left sideline, and let loose an O-I backhand to the left endzone where Sasha and Pat struck deep with their two defenders on them. Amidst a ring of bodies, Papa Bear’s enormous paw reached forth and grabbed the disc…only to have it stripped from him by Pat and his ridiculous need for attention.

With the softcap rules for Flights, we won the game and charged the field for our biggest win of the day. The Raincocks were magnanimous in their defeat and congratulated us on the win. They play hard and it took a lot of grace to tip their hats to us after such a close and contested game.

Final Score: 8-7

Fingerblast (Waterloo, ON)

The fourth seeded team in our pool, Fingerblast was expected to be a pushover. We went up big in the first half 8-2, but they clawed back and made us work for every point in the second half. They hustled to every free disc and worked it with amazing patience for a relatively inexperienced team. Ghosts of past Monster tournaments came back and our unwillingness to close out a team reappeared. Thankfully, we finally won the game.

Fingerblast’s spirit game had their youngest player getting felt up by Sonia. Sonia, a connoisseur of the buttock (aka “an Ass Woman”) was asked to identify his butt while blindfolded. The able-bodied men of Fingerblast circled themselves around her while she copped cheap and gratuitously long feels on their glutes. Pat snuck into the circle because he likes being pawed by Sonia. As she did the Ring Around the Booty, she paused for awhile at the target butt, and made a loud note to come back to that one. She kept going, she narrowed it down to the right Fingerblaster and Pat. Sonia proved that love was not blind and picked Pat’s ass, resulting in a squeal of delight (from Pat) and much laughter.

Final Score: 13-7

North Bay After Dark

Monster skipped the party and drank tequila and played caps in the common room. I found I had a unique affinity for the game. I can’t throw discs, but I can apparently throw bottle caps. Lucky me. Graeme sang karaoke, but eventually everyone snuck off to their rooms and got ready for our games in the morning.

Tundra (Toronto, ON) – Quarterfinals

On a soggy, mosquito-infested field, the battle for Toronto supremacy was renewed. Tundra came out strong, and several long points started the game. After a scary crash between Mel, Joouen and Faizal, Monster withstood the rush and abused some poaches to win in time cap.

Final Score: 10-6

Blue helping his teammate out (Photo by Francis Lee)

Liquid (Waterloo, ON) – Semifinals

Sunday against Liquid meant a win every time we faced them in the past. They collapsed at Summer Experience after roaring to a strong lead, and we felt confident facing them in the Semis instead of the Goat/Lotus squad, The Dockers. They were the top-seeded team after reseeding with a +48 point differential from Saturday. They won their Quarterfinals by 12, maintaining their average win differential thus far in the tournament. This was a Liquid team on a mission.

They took a 4-1 lead thanks to their typical stifling defense and hard running. We finally matched their intensity and started trading points. The game was physical, with several intentional fouls getting into our heads. They took half, but crawled back to a 9-9 tie. When Peyton caught a long behind-the-back catch for two at modified cap, we went up 11-9 with a game to 13.

Our confidence came back, we began gearing up for our next game against The Dockers. Then a funny thing happened on the way to the Finals. Liquid scored two points to tie the game, we went up 12-11, then they tied it 12-12. We put our strongest line up against their’s for Universe Point with our team receiving. Monster worked it up to midfield when Sasha hucked it to a streaking Peyton for the winning score. Unfortunately, the disc outpaced him and Peyton’s desperation layout was for naught. Liquid threw it to one of their female cutters coming in and as she was about to catch it, Sasha swooped in for the D. Or so we thought. She called for a strip, and stomped in frustration when Sasha refused to back down from his contest call. The disc went back to the thrower, and again Liquid worked it forward until they turned it over again. Monster moved it to midfield, when Pat’s attempted huck was handblocked. They got within 5 yards of the goal line and threw a winning laser along the sideline. Their entire team erupted and ran onto the field. The call of “We finally got that monkey off of our backs!” echoed in our ears as we walked away dejectedly.

Editor's Note: Liquid indicated that their win was solely due to Justin not playing.

As our game finished, we walked over to The Dockers/Mayhem Semifinal to see the former catch a behind the back for a win. We asked Mayhem to play a consolation game, and they agreed to do so with a shortened roster. Liquid was able to get their Sunday winless streak against Monster off their back, would Monster be able to do the same against a team they had never beaten?

Mayhem (Hamilton, ON)

The short answer to the question is no: We didn’t beat a short-rostered Mayhem team in North Bay. Bad Monster came out, which meant a listless, lazy and lethargic team took the field. The cutters gave the handlers very little, causing several turnovers near our endzone. Even though the game meant “nothing”, we have to learn how to play our game no matter what the circumstances. I hope we never see this Monster team again and it’s scary to know that it still lurks in the dark corners.

Burger World – Conclusion

Pogos! Poutine! Burgers! Oh my!

Northern Flights was a tale of two teams for Monster. On Saturday, we gritted out tough wins and came hard and fast (that’s what she said) and came back in tough games. Everyone was supportive and solid, both on and off the field. After the first game on Sunday, we let the other team dictate our play and played without motivation for the first half of the Liquid game and the entirety of the Mayhem game. Our team is built as much on effort as anything else, and anything less than the maximum should be considered a failure. We have to ability to dominate, and hopefully we can put two (or three for Nationals) days of solid, hardworking Ultimate to teach Canada to fear the roar.

Elite Eight – The Summer Experience

As the defending champion, Monster was relatively unready to defend their title at this year’s Summer Experience. Featuring an “elite” division of eight teams, there was a lot of dissent about whether we should play. Only one team in the division came from outside of Toronto lowered the luster at the top. Additionally, playing the tournament set up a grueling three tournaments in a row. People had “lives outside of Ultimate”, and a few people backed out from playing. Still, we had enough pride remaining to put a team in for the weekend and we tried to get ready for games.

Tundra

Following the bad blood caused from my post on the scrimmage, I received several “anonymous” death threats. I’m not saying I suspected they were from Tundra, but I wouldn’t put it passed them. Knowing we were playing them, Graeme and I attempted to take out two of their players the night before by getting them drunk (and hopefully hungover for our game). Unfortunately, they proved smarter than we were and two Monsters regretted their alcohol intake compared to a single member of their team.

Tundra took an early lead by capitalizing on our sloppy play. We were down by two for most of the game until we came back to tie the game. There was a big dispute at half-time as to who should receive the pull, but Jackson came up with irrefutable evidence that Monster received at the start of the game: If Tundra received to start, there was no way he was sitting for that point. Touché, Brent, touché.

The game continued with us tying the score. By the time the horn sounded, we were up 10-9. With a game to 12, we finished the game with a two point run and a deep exhale.

Final Score: 12-9

Lotus

Due to the cancellation of the Women’s division, Lotus decided that it would use the weekend to practice against Mixed teams. We repeated to ourselves that this team had several National champions and would easily win if we didn’t take them seriously.

Lotus played an efficient and textbook offensive set, using precision short passes to long hucks to their players. Mostly, they isolated players covered by Monster women, but Dave showed that they shouldn’t be gender biased by misreading a disc sent to Monica Kay that she took away from him.

With the exception of Christian (who avenged Dave by scoring on Monica Kay), we never struck deep with our taller guys. Alison also scored deep and showed us the speed and intensity that always inspired us. Thanks to a lone break we got against them, we managed a win.

Final Score: 10-9

Tony & Carmel

Named after their captain’s parents, the team consisted of several very strong Goat players and very solid women. Their height and athleticism was intimidating enough on paper that they didn’t have to use much of it to beat us. We turned it over frequently near our endzone, and they immediately capitalized. Cass, an unexpected threat, scored several points against us. The game snowballed fast, and we played one of our worst games of the year.

Final Score: 5-13

Big Hammers – Exhibition Game

For some reason, the organizers decided it would be a good idea to crossover games between the pools that had no influence on the actual seedings the next day. While several of us bemoaned the “meaninglessness” of the games, Peyton mentioned that as the second seed in our pool, we’d be facing another good team in the Hammers and should use the opportunity to grow. We agreed to a shortened game to 9, and off we went.

The game was fairly tight, but Monster took an early, if small, lead that it nursed the rest of the game. Before a groin pull took me out, I managed to score on a deep strike from Sasha after their deep poached off me. A minute before that strike, Giles from the Hammers yelled out, “Don’t poach on him! He’s faster than he looks!” Thanks, Giles. No really.

Final Score: 9-8

Happy Birthday, Jane Logan

Most of Monster came out to wish Jane a happy birthday at The Pilot, the city’s largest rooftop patio. It was a good crowd and most of the Monster women (plus Paul) were giggling and happy after seeing Sex and the City: The Movie. Sonia consumed a lot of cosmopolitans and we made sure that Jane had the alcohol-glazed smile by the end of the night. Most of us managed to be responsible and get home at a good time for the next day’s games.

Daniela finding Dave Upfield (Photo by Jim Hui)

Zen Asylum – Quarterfinals

The Ultimate Experience’s second team, they showed a lot of enthusiasm and improvement over previous years. New captains Shawn and Chris did a great job of getting their team ready for this year. Monster came slightly flat against Zen, with several turnovers during the first few points. The biggest mistakes were cutting off teammates and stranding handlers. Luckily, the experience of playing together helped Monster overcome these missteps.

Final Score: 15-2

Liquid – Semifinals

After the 9-6 win at TUF, we figured we’d do well against Liquid’s fuller roster. They lost Justin, one of their primary handlers, the day before on a layout D. (I am not sure I believe it was from a layout D considering who it was, but I’ll accept it for now.) The Liquid team looked bigger and more ready to go, but I figured our power lines would lead to a strong start.

After Liquid went up 4-1, we called a timeout to refocus ourselves. With the most intensity I had ever seen from them, they used their size and physicality to stop our team, and their zone was hard to breach. They forced us into turnovers and we needed to go back to the fast flowing Monster game. Liquid went up 5-1 on a Callaghan from Blue, which he spiked. Peyton ran up and knocked the disc out of the air and galvanized our team. Nate started playing a closer and more active mark, and the comeback began. Steve, unwilling to lose to his former team, became more of an upfield handler and cut apart the defense by not allowing them to set. Matt, Liquid’s captain, started playing again after sitting the first quarter of the game due to an injury. Steve’s layout, toe-dragging catch upwind let us take the half with a small lead (but lots of momentum).

The second half was shortened by time, but Liquid was disheartened after coming out so strong and letting their lead fade. They tasted an opportunity to beat us for the first time on a Sunday, but thankfully the trend continued and Monster won the game.

Final Score: 10-8

Big Hammers – Finals

Big Hammers, featuring Mike List, easily took out Tony & Carmel in their Semifinals and were ready to play against Monster. With Steam Whistle Brewery (my favorite beer) among the sponsors, the alcoholics on Monster eagerly awaited the chance to play. As the Semis ended however, lightning appeared quickly on the horizon. After a quick conference with the Tournament Director, we decided to wait 45 minutes before starting the Finals.

The Big Hammers packed up their gear and waited in their cars while Monster sat beneath our canopy waiting for the storm to pass by. At first it was a light shower. Then it got heavier. Then it hit monsoon like conditions. Raj, one of his teammates and I decided to book it for his car. That’s when it started to hail. A lot. We ran to his car and moved to a higher parking lot. There was about two inches of standing water in that lot, and Raj and I decided to get out of there. Most of the (very dry) Hammers were driving out of the park at that point, leading me to believe that although the outcome of the game was unknown, they definitely won the IQ contest against Monster.

The game was declared a tie, and Monster finished as champion (albeit a shared one) for the second year in a row.

Conclusion

Even though we tied for first at the tournament, we still showed that we had a lot to work on as a team. We were only motivated for the Big Hammers and Liquid games, something that’s been a problem in the past. Regardless of our opponent, we should be the ones dictating our play. Monsters have to stay hungry if we want to be the best we can be.

Chow-Dair

Prior to Easterns, my fellow blogger, Graeme, used the magic of Google to scout out opposing teams. Based on their UPA RRI and their Web sites, he predicted a 2-1 finish in pool play. This wouldn't be too shocking if we weren't seeded last in our pool and 31st out of 32 total teams. Still, we appreciated his confidence in us. Unfortunately, Big Red Death Machine did not respond well to this opening salvo, and their riposte was swift and decisive. In old school terms, "It was on, bitches!" The fact that they were our first game of pool play provided a lot of talk for the trip down.

Split Squad

16 Monsters made their way down to Boston on Friday, five of whom chose to drive to Buffalo then fly to Boston. The drive down was uneventful, with the exception of the standard stop at the border. We got to Devens around 1 (after Sonia predicted 11), and crammed ourselves into a special access room with a giant bathroom. For some odd reason, the air conditioning wasn't on so we left the hotel door wedged open and decided that a random murder was less likely than asphyxiation.

The next morning, we were woken up by Hilary telling us we had to get up at that point if we wanted to eat. As a non-tournament breakfast person, I just watched The Weather Channel talk about record temperature highs and to avoid being outdoors at all possible costs for the next few days. Ultimate players may be the stupidest smart people on the planet. Monster consists of lawyers, teachers, accountants and other professionals...and yet we torture ourselves in these conditions. It builds character or something like that.

Big Red Death Machine (Washington, D.C./Maryland)
aka "Our Machine Was Built For Death"

We arrived at the fields for our 10:30 game with enough time to run a few laps as a warm-up and get into our throwing drills to get ready for the game. Big Red Death Machine was already there, and I went over to find out who posted on our site. They pointed Aaron out, and we talked for a bit and laughed about the posts. We wished each other luck and went to our huddles before the game started.

We came out fast against BRDM and used our flow and quickness to capitalize on their turnovers. It took them a few points to settle down, and we started trading points. We had a solid lead at half time, and started slowing down. This let them get back into the game and if the game did not end in the soft-cap, they looked like they had a shot to take the lead.

They complimented us on our quickness and decisiveness in play, and we were glad that our practices started to pay off. Our tendency to start fast and end slow almost bit us, but thankfully we held on.

Final Score: 14-11

Puppet Regime (New York City)

The top-seeded team in our pool. The Puppet Regime at this tournament was only a try-out team as half of their full squad didn't show. They came out intense and fast, and out-ran us physically. They broke us once, and we started trading points with them. They took the half, by a couple of points, but once soft cap hit, they closed us out quickly.

They finished in the Top Eight overall, but Monster definitely has a long way to go before competing at the top Co-Ed level. It was encouraging to be able to play with them, but we practice and travel to compete with good teams, not just for the "honor" of playing them.

Final Score: 8-12

Levitation Holmes (Brooklyn, NY)

The third-seeded team in our pool, they were 0-2 against the Machine and the Regime so far. We were assured that our style of game would do well against their's as we had athleticism and experience, whereas they were more of an athleticism-based team. When we went down 0-3, we called a time out and had to shorten the lines a bit to get back in the game. They threw a zone on us, but the turnovers were more our fault than their's.

We came back slowly, but the extra effort and discipline needed took its toll in the heat. Several Monsters had cramping and dehydration issues, and several people had to stay in the shade to recover. Pat's calves were spasming so badly that Joe said it looked like, "Live animals were running around in them". We managed to pull the game out to finish 2-1 in pool play, but the day so far had taken its toll and we were loathe to play our crossover game.

Final Score: 11-5

Muff'N'Men (Pittsburgh, PA) - Crossover Game

Universe point in a game between Gecko and Chinstrap decided that Muff'N'Men would be our crossover game opponents. We asked if they wanted to play and they were very eager to get the game started. We came out very slow and Muff'N'Men pulled out to a big lead. This game was a serious gutcheck, and it was only in the middle stages that we found our legs and started scoring against them. For the most part, they dominated the game based on long hucks and stifling defense. A small run (including some crazy defense by Jim) helped us make the score respectable, but they pulled away at the end, dooming us to the bottom 16.

Final Score: 6-13

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT
(Featuring Team Big Ideas)

We arrived back at the motel and decided what we'd do for the night. In between catching potato chips from people on the second floor balcony, a small contingent (Daphne, Graeme, Joe, Steve and myself) decided to go to Boston. We set midnight as the time we'd come, and halfway through the 45-minute car ride, we managed to convince ourselves that we could stretch that out. It was Boston and Monster came to party!

We went to Legal Seafood, where we had the nicest server of all time and Joe attempted to eat as many different sea creatures as possible (lobster, mussels, oysters, clam chowder). The rest of us respected the planet's biodiversity and had smaller, more civilized meals.
Two beers into the meal, I felt the need to put my head down on the table as the day's heatstroke took effect. Midnight seemed like an eternity away and suddenly the realization that while we had large goals, our bodies wouldn't hold up. Thus, Team Big Ideas was born.

We soldiered through our meal and managed to walk around Boston. We managed to see the "fun part of town", then mercifully we went back to our van and drove back to Leominster. Plans to drink in the motel parking lot went unfulfilled.

Sunday Morning
a.k.a. "We Miss Dave"

Waking up at 6:30 on a weekend is hard to do. Especially knowing that more record/near-record temperatures are facing you outside the comfort of your air-conditioned motel room. Joe and Sonia tried to convince the rest of the room to just nap for the rest of the day and drive home. Their arguments were compelling, but eventually we all woke up. It was about 8:10 by the time we all left our rooms and we knew our warm-up wasn't going to be sufficient. Sure, we were in the bottom 16, but we still wanted the best result we could muster. We all psyched ourselves up for our game and hoped that mental preparedness would make-up for the physical.

Fortunately for us, we had two hours to get ready as our game started at 10:30 and we had based our 8:30 start time on rumors and hearsay. Throughout that two hours, we all missed Dave and his willingness to always check the schedule. Unfortunately, he was at his "graduation" or something.

Full Service (Somehwere in New Jersey)

This team ran very hard and had some crazy quick handlers. They loved the long game and sought to bomb it to their tall deep strikes as quickly as possible. Most of their players had long throws, so it was difficult to shut one down. Monster's women dominated the game and opened up a lot of things as they cut quickly and scored several times in the opening part of the game.

Final Score: 15-11

Mako (Hartford, Connecticut)

"Holy crap, how many players do they have?"
"Jesus, that Seattle drill seems pretty useless as people stand still for 5-10 minutes at a time."

This and many more complaints about Mako's 25 (!!!) player roster came from Monster while we sat in the shade in an attempt to avoid passing out from the heat. When game time came, we were lethargic and a bit intimidated by the sheer number of people we would have to run against. We found out it was a tryout tournament, so quantity didn't necessarily translate to quality. Still, they like most sharks, looked hungry.

Mako scored the first two points, but we switched to zone and countered with four. They scored two more, and again we switched to zone with faster man switches to score another four to take the half. At this point, we were starting to feel stronger and started the second half with a 7-0 run. This, coincidentally, ended the half as well.

Final Score: 15-4

Learning About Your Teammates

After that game, we decided as a team to end the tournament there since we did so well and had a long drive back to Toronto. Mako agreed to play our other games for us and we found a hose to wash ourselves down. (During the hosing, half of the guys giggled like little girls because the water was too cold. You know who you are. You're lucky Hilary wasn't filming this.)

After a quick stop at a Chili's, we went into our separate cars and made our way home. During said car ride, Pam imparted a very important lesson to me: "You're taking a serious chance any time you put something very hot between your legs." Words to live by, Pam. Words to live by.

Summary

Every game we played on Saturday required us to play hard if we wanted to win. Whenever we relaxed for a bit, the other team took advantage. This has always been part of our problem, and we need to maintain a killer instinct for all games all the time.

To compete at a high level, you need practice against good teams. Montreal's closeness to Boston shows in the strength of their Co-Ed teams, and the drive down was definitely worth it. The longer games in the difficult weather hammered home our need to always be improving conditioning.

While we didn't finish in the Top 16 like we'd hoped, there were highlights all around. All of the new players added to the roster this tournament shined and showed they fit in well, both on and off the field.

Overall, it was a solid weekend for Monster and hopefully this will be another step forward in our quest to become one of the high level teams.

For Your Consideration...

Hello fellow monsters!

I am truly sorry to bother you today – and, honestly, I hesitated to even bring it up, for I am not one to complain too loudly or insistently – but I simply must object to the current situation vis-à-vis your Monster “plays”. I ruefully note that “Gremlins”, “Count Dracula” and my good friend, the “Abominable Snowman” a.k.a. “Yeti” have all entered your on-field lexicon. Even “Trogdor”, that vile man, er, dragon-man, er…just dragon…seems to hold a place closer to your heart.

Am I too kind-hearted? Does my fluffiness put me out of the running? (But then, you would have to explain Yeti, who, while not overly charming, is certainly fluffy) Is it my Japanese nature? (But surely I heard you yell "Godzilla" just the other day?) But perhaps I am just being too sensitive? Could it be that you simply have not heard of me? My name is Totoro and I am a spirit of the woods. There is a movie all bout me . I even have an asteroid named after me!
I sleep in an enchanted camphor tree by day. I can command the wind at will and those soft hooting sounds you sometimes hear at night? That’s me! Well, me and my friends. I have two little ones – Chu-Totoro and Chibi-Totoro – who help protect the woods with me. I miss Mei and Satsuki, two young Japanese girls who used to hang out with me, but they are too old for me now. Wait…that sounds really bad.

Well, perhaps I should wrap up. I would just like to put myself forward as a candidate for your next wonderful play. It would warm my furry, pointy ears to hear you yell out “Totoro!” in earnest on the field. Good luck on the fields and may the wind be with you!

Yours truly,

Totoro

(Also, the makkurokurosuke have a few choice words for you! Please think of them too.)

First We Take Boston, Then We Take...er...Berlin?

Boston, Massachusetts.

Founded in 1630. Home to the golden-domed State House. Home to the Red Sox and the Green Monster of Fenway Park. Home to Harvard, MIT and Tufts Universities. Home to the Bostonian Accent.

How to speak like a Bostonian: Whenever possible, use a long “a” sound, (Zaaaan, faaaathah), even if “a” isn’t the correct vowel (“Saaaania” or “It sure is haaaat out”). When it is absolutely necessary to use a short “a” sound, turn it into an “ya” sound: “Pat” becomes “Pyat”, “Daph” becomes “Dyaf”. Also, drop all your “r”s at the end of syllables or before a consonant, as in “Haaa’vaaa’d” or “Team Maaansteh”.

But I digress. I should be writing of Devens, MA.

There is nothing whatsoever in Devens, MA. The only two interesting things about Devens, MA are that it is 40 miles outside of Boston and that this week-end it is hosting the UPA Mixed Easterns tournament.

It is tournament number two for MONSTER 2.0. We have been seeded last in our pool. Ahead of us is Puppet Regime (#1), Big Red Death Machine (#2) and Levitation Holmes (#3). This Saturday will be a chance to show us how incorrect this seeding is and to make an international name for MONSTER. Luckily, I’ve been able to do some background research on these teams. It bodes well for our pool play.

At a recent tournament (May 17-18), Big Red Death Machine were seeded third in their pool behind Bashing Piñatas and Muff ‘n Men (both also at Mixed Easterns). They lost to both teams. We have a good chance to beat this team. Things to know about the team: they haven't updated their website since 2006. Puppet Regime were seeded first in their pool, although they lost to the second place team. They look like they will be a tough team. Things to know about the team: everyone on their roster is taller than me. Finally, Leviation Holmes were seeded fourth in their pool and lost all their games handily. We had better not lose to this team. Things to know about the team: their girls have really hot names, like Mara, Yvonne, Eliza, Natalie, Hannah and Hannah. After that, our last game of the day will be against one of Chinstrap, Gecko, Muff ‘n Men and JHOP. None of these games will be easy.

However, we have the team that can win these games. Here are some brief biographies of the attending players:

joe

First arrested in 1986 and charged with impersonation of a Federal Agent, Joe Crampton has left a trail of treachery and deceit behind him. He has only been arrested once since, for non-payment of parking fines. This is remarkable considering the numerous confidence schemes he has been involved in, which are often successful, leaving no connection to him. But mark my words, shortly after first encountering Joe, it is not unusual to discover that your identity has been stolen, your credit has be maxed out, your best wine has been drunk and your daughter is pregnant.

jim

With his devasting left foot, deft ball placement and considerable pace, Jim is a worthy addition to any midfield. His ability to curve the ball around the wall and into the net from free kicks as close as 20 feet have led to the coining of the phrase "jim'll bend it!". His hot temper has gotten him into trouble on a number of occasions and he has picked up ten yellow cards this season for disrepecting the referee. Field him with caution when your team is playing poorly, as he may draw a red card. He has never played Ultimate.

daphne

The room suddenly went dark and Daphne found herself blinking rapidly in an effort to restore her vision. Every move she made sounded deafening loud to her. She could hear the blood rushing in her temples. It was in here with her. Its rank odour filled the room, but too dispersed for her to get a fix on its location. The air was completely still and felt like a warm, damp cloth pressed down over her skin. With only one shot left, it had to be a good one. What was it that Sensai had said? Between the eyes was the only shot worth taking. Daphne squared her shoulders in decision. "Here I come, you alien asshole!"

nate

An elite counterespionage agent, Nate’s typical mornings involve a light continental breakfast with an espresso, preferably of Peruvian origin. This is followed by a moderately-intense yoga routine and, as often as not, acrobatic sexual congress with one or more foreign agents sent to seduce him. Nate speaks seventeen languages fluently with additional regional variations, when necessary. It is not unusual for him to kill two or three enemy agents before lunch. Nate lost one eye in a tragic fencing accident and wears a silver eyepatch.

amanda

AMANDA (Antarctic Muon And Neutrino Detector Array) is a neutrino telescope located at the South Pole. Made up of 677 photomultipler tubes sunk 1500 meters into the ice, AMANDA is designed to detect high-energy neutrinos as they pass through the Earth from the northern hemisphere and exit at the South Pole. By analysing the photon hit—by-products of a neutrino’s collision with oxygen or hydrogen atoms—in the optical modules, estimations of the direction of travel of the original neutrino can be made, allowing for closer study of our Sun and for research into dark matter. AMANDA was phased out in 2005.

graeme

Local entrepreneur, playboy, mountebank and all around gadabout, Graeme is well known amongst the glitterati as the sort of person one must have at dinner parties, if only for the potential anecdotes his presence will generate. It is generally accepted that the trail of broken hearts, pilfered heirlooms and newly acquired drug habits are the prices one must pay to stay in contact with his scintillating charm.

juan

Juan is the son of an ironmonger. At the age of fifteen he was mistakenly apprenticed to a pirate and as a result has one wooden leg and a hook for his left hand. He likes to mete out small doses of his vast, accrued experiences on the high seas, but is likely to bite off your hand if you should question their veracity. A small volume of his poems was published in 1997 and a memoir was scheduled for release in 2002 but has not yet seen the light of day.

steve

Steve likes scotch. I mean, he really likes that stuff. His preference is single malt, but he also enjoys the occasional tipple of vatted malt blended or single grain scotch. He enjoys Islay, Campbeltown, Lowland and Highland whiskies, but his favourites are from the Speyside region (e.g. Macallan, Glenfiddich, Balvenie, Glenlivet, Aberlour). He really just can’t drink enough of scotches, especially those with a gold colour, a smoky caramel nose (with hints of apricot pie) that go on with overtones of plum jam and heather, have a mouth of salty liquorice, rosemary, rubber and soap and have a long finish—salty with a little caramel (Werther’s).

paul

Paul remains an elusive and mysterious creature. Only a handful have ever been observed in the wild and there is no photographic evidence on record. All that remains is a partial skeleton in a backroom of the Smithsonian. However, even from this limited evidence, it is obvious that paulus avias is a remarkable bird capable of sustaining flight for up to two hours with a single flap of its two meter wingspan. To see one in flight is to be truly blessed. native to the Antarctic Ice Shelf

hilda

Understanding Hilda’s behaviour and recognizing signs of her recent passing are important when hiking or camping in Hilda territory. She has a keen sense of smell—up to seven times more powerful than dogs—and can detect odours over a mile away. Hilda is nervous, shy and easily frightened, but she can cause serious injury if startled, cornered, or provoked. It is therefore advisable to NEVER STARTLE HILDA! “Advertise” your presence by wearing bells, singing, clapping, etc. If Hilda approaches you STAY CALM and absolutely DO NOT RUN, merely back away slowly talking in a soothing voice. As a last resort, make sure you can run faster than your companions, as she will stop to feast on the first victim.

pat

In the bustling world of British fashion, one name stands out in the crowded menswear field – Pat Dolan. Dolan has developed a cult following for his casual clothing line, with it’s clean, elegant lines and refined use of fabrics and embroidery. He has presented an ambitious five collections this season alone and made his Paris debut in February 2007. Objections were raised when he was not named to the annual “100 influential people in fashion list” in Vogue Magazine. His star is still on the rise, however. One to watch!

sonia

It is late spring and the trees and grass are already blossoming. The air is full of pollen and flying insects, fertilizing the flowering plants. The trees might not object, but your sinuses certainly do! Naturally, your thoughts turn immediately to Sonia®. Use new and improved Sonia® once-daily to control your allergy symptoms. WARNING: May cause drowsiness or fatigue. Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Sonia®.

hilary

Hilary is the edible fruit of a tree, native to south-eastern Asia. His name comes from the Malay word duri which means “thorn”. The shape of Hilary ranges from oblong to round, the colour of his husk from green to brown, and his flesh from pale to red. His hard outer husk is covered with sharp, prickly thorns and the flesh within emits a strong, distinctive odour. Some regard this odour as fragrant, while the uninitiated often find it overpowering or offensive. The edible portion of Hilary is the custard-like flesh.

zan zan (steph)

Steph was born in 1905 in Los Angeles, California to a laundryman and a female physics professor. As a teenager she began to take small, walk-on parts in the early days of Hollywood. Her first big role was alongside Douglas Fairbanks in The Thief of Bagdad. Subsequent roles in Piccadilly and Shanghai Express cemented her place in the pantheon of silent film stars, but she subsequently faded into obscurity. However, due to a foolish and tragic time-travel experiment conducted at Berkley in 1968, she began to age backward and every morning wakes up one day younger. This has led to great confusion at Revenue Canada.

peyton

Leaning against the wooden fence, Peyton projects the very picture of congeniality. “I didn’t really worry about the fire at the time,” he says with a depreciative shrug. “I was just concerned with getting in that house and saving the children.” Firefighters have said that his heroic and timely actions saved the three orphans from certain death by smoke inhalation. I asked Peyton why, with the resulting second-degree burns he suffered, he didn’t stop his heroic actions then. “Well, when the ambulance was stopped at the traffic lights, I saw a pregnant single mother having trouble swimming in the lake, and I just dove right in, so to speak,” he says with a wry chuckle. Mother and child are doing well thanks to Peyton, who also delivered the baby on the spot. Peyton’s left arm was subsequently amputated due to infection of his burns with clostridium difficile contracted from the lake water.

pam

The sunlight dappled the still pond with leopard spots. The air hung heavy and damp, casting a pregnant aura, as though holding its breath. The same sunlight danced through the grasses, illuminating small predators stalking smaller prey in an absurdity of slow-motion. The infrequent, cooling breezes were preceded by a heralding rustle of distant leaves, and the whole world seemed to turn expectantly towards the sound. Leaning casually back against the back porch, Pam watched as dew beaded on the glass in her hand, mirrored by the sweat that traced a path down her nose. "God damn it!" she said. "What the fuck does a girl have to do to get a decent mojito around here?"