Northern Fights, Erm, Flights

The week leading up to Northern Flights was very wet, and rumors of a possible wash out dampened everyone’s spirits. The Tournament Director lost permits for fields from the city, but managed to find replacement fields at the last minute at an abandoned mental health facility. While this sounds like an excellent plot for a horror movie (backwoods, abandoned hospital, etc.), the biggest thing we worried about for the weekend were the bugs.

And the Tournament Director. Seeding us seventh, we were upset by their placing us behind Liquid, Mayhem and Tundra (teams we had beaten/finished higher than earlier in the season). They were adamant about the seeding, so we began our day in Group D (aka the Group of Death).

That’s What She Said (Sault Ste Marie, ON)

Now, I had no idea there was Ultimate in the Sault. (To be honest, I was not really aware they had much of anything there.) That said, this team was very focused on their game play and ran hard. Their lack of experience showed, but they ran plays and had a very active sideline. I am excited about their progress in the future. Unfortunately, all of their merits was not enough to overcome Monster’s experience and the game was quickly over.

Their spirit game pitted Mel and myself in a human obstacle course. First we had to spin around 10 times, weave between people, crawl between someone’s legs, jump over someone, and finally throw a disc through looped arms. Needless to say, Mel’s compact form decimated me during the spinning portion and she won the prize. When she found out it was a shot of Sour Puss, she passed it onto me.

PS: Bonus points for their cheers of consisting of someone yelling something like “Go deep!” and the team responding with “That’s what she said!”

Final Score: 15-1

Solid (Ottawa, ON)

A solid core of veteran Ottawa Ultimate players (as well as Brooks and Grace), this team was badly miss-seeded at 14. They beat the top seed in our pool during the previous game, and were looking for a second straight upset. We rushed to a quick lead, and shell-shocked Solid. Our start was probably due to having a long break after our first game and their exhaustion from a chippy, time-capped game in the previous slot.

After half, Solid began to make a run. During the run, there was some contact and a call was made that caused an emotional outburst. Steve, started yelling at Rolo (think David vs. Goliath) and words and shoving ensued. Peyton and Pat came from the far sideline, and Mike Hill got in their way. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed when we called a time out and the game settled down. Monster held on for the win.

Final Score: 15-6

Monsoon

Before our bye, we were told to be back by 3:00 for warm-ups. Several of us went looking for food, and halfway through, the rain started to come. We got back to the fields by 3:15, but the torrential downpour didn’t stop until around 4:00. The Tournament Director said that the final two games would be played, but only for an hour each. With lightning still visible in the distance, we got ready for our third game of the day.

The Raincocks (North Bay, ON)

Named after someone on the team’s last name, The Raincocks were four Stella/Lotus women, Dime and some NADS guys. They were ready to play, and we began the game in a rain-soaked daze. Playing four women and using the long game, The Raincocks took a 6-1 lead.

Solid came by and camped on our sideline and started cheering us and heckling the other team. (If we won, they had a chance at Top 8, if we lost, they were definitely out.) The heckling got to The Raincocks, and Solid was asked to tone it down. Solid referred to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms and discussed public nature of the forum and their freedom of speech. Eloquent arguments were put forth by both sides, but eventually it was sealed with the efficient “Fuck off!”

Knowing what we had to do to rally back, we started running their shorthanded team and forcing them into tighter throws with tighter defense. Using our flow game, we clawed back to a 7-7 tie. The Raincocks were flustered, and them receiving the disc to take it to half, the horn sounded. They exhibited a lot of patience going up the field for 5-10 yard gainers, and eventually, they went for it from 10 yards out by throwing to Sherri Maddigan. She looked ready to score when Pat swooped in (CLEANLY) and took the disc away from her.

Monster quickly began moving the disc the other way, with Sasha and Pat working the deeps and opening up the mid. Peyton got the disc on the left sideline, and let loose an O-I backhand to the left endzone where Sasha and Pat struck deep with their two defenders on them. Amidst a ring of bodies, Papa Bear’s enormous paw reached forth and grabbed the disc…only to have it stripped from him by Pat and his ridiculous need for attention.

With the softcap rules for Flights, we won the game and charged the field for our biggest win of the day. The Raincocks were magnanimous in their defeat and congratulated us on the win. They play hard and it took a lot of grace to tip their hats to us after such a close and contested game.

Final Score: 8-7

Fingerblast (Waterloo, ON)

The fourth seeded team in our pool, Fingerblast was expected to be a pushover. We went up big in the first half 8-2, but they clawed back and made us work for every point in the second half. They hustled to every free disc and worked it with amazing patience for a relatively inexperienced team. Ghosts of past Monster tournaments came back and our unwillingness to close out a team reappeared. Thankfully, we finally won the game.

Fingerblast’s spirit game had their youngest player getting felt up by Sonia. Sonia, a connoisseur of the buttock (aka “an Ass Woman”) was asked to identify his butt while blindfolded. The able-bodied men of Fingerblast circled themselves around her while she copped cheap and gratuitously long feels on their glutes. Pat snuck into the circle because he likes being pawed by Sonia. As she did the Ring Around the Booty, she paused for awhile at the target butt, and made a loud note to come back to that one. She kept going, she narrowed it down to the right Fingerblaster and Pat. Sonia proved that love was not blind and picked Pat’s ass, resulting in a squeal of delight (from Pat) and much laughter.

Final Score: 13-7

North Bay After Dark

Monster skipped the party and drank tequila and played caps in the common room. I found I had a unique affinity for the game. I can’t throw discs, but I can apparently throw bottle caps. Lucky me. Graeme sang karaoke, but eventually everyone snuck off to their rooms and got ready for our games in the morning.

Tundra (Toronto, ON) – Quarterfinals

On a soggy, mosquito-infested field, the battle for Toronto supremacy was renewed. Tundra came out strong, and several long points started the game. After a scary crash between Mel, Joouen and Faizal, Monster withstood the rush and abused some poaches to win in time cap.

Final Score: 10-6

Blue helping his teammate out (Photo by Francis Lee)

Liquid (Waterloo, ON) – Semifinals

Sunday against Liquid meant a win every time we faced them in the past. They collapsed at Summer Experience after roaring to a strong lead, and we felt confident facing them in the Semis instead of the Goat/Lotus squad, The Dockers. They were the top-seeded team after reseeding with a +48 point differential from Saturday. They won their Quarterfinals by 12, maintaining their average win differential thus far in the tournament. This was a Liquid team on a mission.

They took a 4-1 lead thanks to their typical stifling defense and hard running. We finally matched their intensity and started trading points. The game was physical, with several intentional fouls getting into our heads. They took half, but crawled back to a 9-9 tie. When Peyton caught a long behind-the-back catch for two at modified cap, we went up 11-9 with a game to 13.

Our confidence came back, we began gearing up for our next game against The Dockers. Then a funny thing happened on the way to the Finals. Liquid scored two points to tie the game, we went up 12-11, then they tied it 12-12. We put our strongest line up against their’s for Universe Point with our team receiving. Monster worked it up to midfield when Sasha hucked it to a streaking Peyton for the winning score. Unfortunately, the disc outpaced him and Peyton’s desperation layout was for naught. Liquid threw it to one of their female cutters coming in and as she was about to catch it, Sasha swooped in for the D. Or so we thought. She called for a strip, and stomped in frustration when Sasha refused to back down from his contest call. The disc went back to the thrower, and again Liquid worked it forward until they turned it over again. Monster moved it to midfield, when Pat’s attempted huck was handblocked. They got within 5 yards of the goal line and threw a winning laser along the sideline. Their entire team erupted and ran onto the field. The call of “We finally got that monkey off of our backs!” echoed in our ears as we walked away dejectedly.

Editor's Note: Liquid indicated that their win was solely due to Justin not playing.

As our game finished, we walked over to The Dockers/Mayhem Semifinal to see the former catch a behind the back for a win. We asked Mayhem to play a consolation game, and they agreed to do so with a shortened roster. Liquid was able to get their Sunday winless streak against Monster off their back, would Monster be able to do the same against a team they had never beaten?

Mayhem (Hamilton, ON)

The short answer to the question is no: We didn’t beat a short-rostered Mayhem team in North Bay. Bad Monster came out, which meant a listless, lazy and lethargic team took the field. The cutters gave the handlers very little, causing several turnovers near our endzone. Even though the game meant “nothing”, we have to learn how to play our game no matter what the circumstances. I hope we never see this Monster team again and it’s scary to know that it still lurks in the dark corners.

Burger World – Conclusion

Pogos! Poutine! Burgers! Oh my!

Northern Flights was a tale of two teams for Monster. On Saturday, we gritted out tough wins and came hard and fast (that’s what she said) and came back in tough games. Everyone was supportive and solid, both on and off the field. After the first game on Sunday, we let the other team dictate our play and played without motivation for the first half of the Liquid game and the entirety of the Mayhem game. Our team is built as much on effort as anything else, and anything less than the maximum should be considered a failure. We have to ability to dominate, and hopefully we can put two (or three for Nationals) days of solid, hardworking Ultimate to teach Canada to fear the roar.

Elite Eight – The Summer Experience

As the defending champion, Monster was relatively unready to defend their title at this year’s Summer Experience. Featuring an “elite” division of eight teams, there was a lot of dissent about whether we should play. Only one team in the division came from outside of Toronto lowered the luster at the top. Additionally, playing the tournament set up a grueling three tournaments in a row. People had “lives outside of Ultimate”, and a few people backed out from playing. Still, we had enough pride remaining to put a team in for the weekend and we tried to get ready for games.

Tundra

Following the bad blood caused from my post on the scrimmage, I received several “anonymous” death threats. I’m not saying I suspected they were from Tundra, but I wouldn’t put it passed them. Knowing we were playing them, Graeme and I attempted to take out two of their players the night before by getting them drunk (and hopefully hungover for our game). Unfortunately, they proved smarter than we were and two Monsters regretted their alcohol intake compared to a single member of their team.

Tundra took an early lead by capitalizing on our sloppy play. We were down by two for most of the game until we came back to tie the game. There was a big dispute at half-time as to who should receive the pull, but Jackson came up with irrefutable evidence that Monster received at the start of the game: If Tundra received to start, there was no way he was sitting for that point. Touché, Brent, touché.

The game continued with us tying the score. By the time the horn sounded, we were up 10-9. With a game to 12, we finished the game with a two point run and a deep exhale.

Final Score: 12-9

Lotus

Due to the cancellation of the Women’s division, Lotus decided that it would use the weekend to practice against Mixed teams. We repeated to ourselves that this team had several National champions and would easily win if we didn’t take them seriously.

Lotus played an efficient and textbook offensive set, using precision short passes to long hucks to their players. Mostly, they isolated players covered by Monster women, but Dave showed that they shouldn’t be gender biased by misreading a disc sent to Monica Kay that she took away from him.

With the exception of Christian (who avenged Dave by scoring on Monica Kay), we never struck deep with our taller guys. Alison also scored deep and showed us the speed and intensity that always inspired us. Thanks to a lone break we got against them, we managed a win.

Final Score: 10-9

Tony & Carmel

Named after their captain’s parents, the team consisted of several very strong Goat players and very solid women. Their height and athleticism was intimidating enough on paper that they didn’t have to use much of it to beat us. We turned it over frequently near our endzone, and they immediately capitalized. Cass, an unexpected threat, scored several points against us. The game snowballed fast, and we played one of our worst games of the year.

Final Score: 5-13

Big Hammers – Exhibition Game

For some reason, the organizers decided it would be a good idea to crossover games between the pools that had no influence on the actual seedings the next day. While several of us bemoaned the “meaninglessness” of the games, Peyton mentioned that as the second seed in our pool, we’d be facing another good team in the Hammers and should use the opportunity to grow. We agreed to a shortened game to 9, and off we went.

The game was fairly tight, but Monster took an early, if small, lead that it nursed the rest of the game. Before a groin pull took me out, I managed to score on a deep strike from Sasha after their deep poached off me. A minute before that strike, Giles from the Hammers yelled out, “Don’t poach on him! He’s faster than he looks!” Thanks, Giles. No really.

Final Score: 9-8

Happy Birthday, Jane Logan

Most of Monster came out to wish Jane a happy birthday at The Pilot, the city’s largest rooftop patio. It was a good crowd and most of the Monster women (plus Paul) were giggling and happy after seeing Sex and the City: The Movie. Sonia consumed a lot of cosmopolitans and we made sure that Jane had the alcohol-glazed smile by the end of the night. Most of us managed to be responsible and get home at a good time for the next day’s games.

Daniela finding Dave Upfield (Photo by Jim Hui)

Zen Asylum – Quarterfinals

The Ultimate Experience’s second team, they showed a lot of enthusiasm and improvement over previous years. New captains Shawn and Chris did a great job of getting their team ready for this year. Monster came slightly flat against Zen, with several turnovers during the first few points. The biggest mistakes were cutting off teammates and stranding handlers. Luckily, the experience of playing together helped Monster overcome these missteps.

Final Score: 15-2

Liquid – Semifinals

After the 9-6 win at TUF, we figured we’d do well against Liquid’s fuller roster. They lost Justin, one of their primary handlers, the day before on a layout D. (I am not sure I believe it was from a layout D considering who it was, but I’ll accept it for now.) The Liquid team looked bigger and more ready to go, but I figured our power lines would lead to a strong start.

After Liquid went up 4-1, we called a timeout to refocus ourselves. With the most intensity I had ever seen from them, they used their size and physicality to stop our team, and their zone was hard to breach. They forced us into turnovers and we needed to go back to the fast flowing Monster game. Liquid went up 5-1 on a Callaghan from Blue, which he spiked. Peyton ran up and knocked the disc out of the air and galvanized our team. Nate started playing a closer and more active mark, and the comeback began. Steve, unwilling to lose to his former team, became more of an upfield handler and cut apart the defense by not allowing them to set. Matt, Liquid’s captain, started playing again after sitting the first quarter of the game due to an injury. Steve’s layout, toe-dragging catch upwind let us take the half with a small lead (but lots of momentum).

The second half was shortened by time, but Liquid was disheartened after coming out so strong and letting their lead fade. They tasted an opportunity to beat us for the first time on a Sunday, but thankfully the trend continued and Monster won the game.

Final Score: 10-8

Big Hammers – Finals

Big Hammers, featuring Mike List, easily took out Tony & Carmel in their Semifinals and were ready to play against Monster. With Steam Whistle Brewery (my favorite beer) among the sponsors, the alcoholics on Monster eagerly awaited the chance to play. As the Semis ended however, lightning appeared quickly on the horizon. After a quick conference with the Tournament Director, we decided to wait 45 minutes before starting the Finals.

The Big Hammers packed up their gear and waited in their cars while Monster sat beneath our canopy waiting for the storm to pass by. At first it was a light shower. Then it got heavier. Then it hit monsoon like conditions. Raj, one of his teammates and I decided to book it for his car. That’s when it started to hail. A lot. We ran to his car and moved to a higher parking lot. There was about two inches of standing water in that lot, and Raj and I decided to get out of there. Most of the (very dry) Hammers were driving out of the park at that point, leading me to believe that although the outcome of the game was unknown, they definitely won the IQ contest against Monster.

The game was declared a tie, and Monster finished as champion (albeit a shared one) for the second year in a row.

Conclusion

Even though we tied for first at the tournament, we still showed that we had a lot to work on as a team. We were only motivated for the Big Hammers and Liquid games, something that’s been a problem in the past. Regardless of our opponent, we should be the ones dictating our play. Monsters have to stay hungry if we want to be the best we can be.

Chow-Dair

Prior to Easterns, my fellow blogger, Graeme, used the magic of Google to scout out opposing teams. Based on their UPA RRI and their Web sites, he predicted a 2-1 finish in pool play. This wouldn't be too shocking if we weren't seeded last in our pool and 31st out of 32 total teams. Still, we appreciated his confidence in us. Unfortunately, Big Red Death Machine did not respond well to this opening salvo, and their riposte was swift and decisive. In old school terms, "It was on, bitches!" The fact that they were our first game of pool play provided a lot of talk for the trip down.

Split Squad

16 Monsters made their way down to Boston on Friday, five of whom chose to drive to Buffalo then fly to Boston. The drive down was uneventful, with the exception of the standard stop at the border. We got to Devens around 1 (after Sonia predicted 11), and crammed ourselves into a special access room with a giant bathroom. For some odd reason, the air conditioning wasn't on so we left the hotel door wedged open and decided that a random murder was less likely than asphyxiation.

The next morning, we were woken up by Hilary telling us we had to get up at that point if we wanted to eat. As a non-tournament breakfast person, I just watched The Weather Channel talk about record temperature highs and to avoid being outdoors at all possible costs for the next few days. Ultimate players may be the stupidest smart people on the planet. Monster consists of lawyers, teachers, accountants and other professionals...and yet we torture ourselves in these conditions. It builds character or something like that.

Big Red Death Machine (Washington, D.C./Maryland)
aka "Our Machine Was Built For Death"

We arrived at the fields for our 10:30 game with enough time to run a few laps as a warm-up and get into our throwing drills to get ready for the game. Big Red Death Machine was already there, and I went over to find out who posted on our site. They pointed Aaron out, and we talked for a bit and laughed about the posts. We wished each other luck and went to our huddles before the game started.

We came out fast against BRDM and used our flow and quickness to capitalize on their turnovers. It took them a few points to settle down, and we started trading points. We had a solid lead at half time, and started slowing down. This let them get back into the game and if the game did not end in the soft-cap, they looked like they had a shot to take the lead.

They complimented us on our quickness and decisiveness in play, and we were glad that our practices started to pay off. Our tendency to start fast and end slow almost bit us, but thankfully we held on.

Final Score: 14-11

Puppet Regime (New York City)

The top-seeded team in our pool. The Puppet Regime at this tournament was only a try-out team as half of their full squad didn't show. They came out intense and fast, and out-ran us physically. They broke us once, and we started trading points with them. They took the half, by a couple of points, but once soft cap hit, they closed us out quickly.

They finished in the Top Eight overall, but Monster definitely has a long way to go before competing at the top Co-Ed level. It was encouraging to be able to play with them, but we practice and travel to compete with good teams, not just for the "honor" of playing them.

Final Score: 8-12

Levitation Holmes (Brooklyn, NY)

The third-seeded team in our pool, they were 0-2 against the Machine and the Regime so far. We were assured that our style of game would do well against their's as we had athleticism and experience, whereas they were more of an athleticism-based team. When we went down 0-3, we called a time out and had to shorten the lines a bit to get back in the game. They threw a zone on us, but the turnovers were more our fault than their's.

We came back slowly, but the extra effort and discipline needed took its toll in the heat. Several Monsters had cramping and dehydration issues, and several people had to stay in the shade to recover. Pat's calves were spasming so badly that Joe said it looked like, "Live animals were running around in them". We managed to pull the game out to finish 2-1 in pool play, but the day so far had taken its toll and we were loathe to play our crossover game.

Final Score: 11-5

Muff'N'Men (Pittsburgh, PA) - Crossover Game

Universe point in a game between Gecko and Chinstrap decided that Muff'N'Men would be our crossover game opponents. We asked if they wanted to play and they were very eager to get the game started. We came out very slow and Muff'N'Men pulled out to a big lead. This game was a serious gutcheck, and it was only in the middle stages that we found our legs and started scoring against them. For the most part, they dominated the game based on long hucks and stifling defense. A small run (including some crazy defense by Jim) helped us make the score respectable, but they pulled away at the end, dooming us to the bottom 16.

Final Score: 6-13

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT
(Featuring Team Big Ideas)

We arrived back at the motel and decided what we'd do for the night. In between catching potato chips from people on the second floor balcony, a small contingent (Daphne, Graeme, Joe, Steve and myself) decided to go to Boston. We set midnight as the time we'd come, and halfway through the 45-minute car ride, we managed to convince ourselves that we could stretch that out. It was Boston and Monster came to party!

We went to Legal Seafood, where we had the nicest server of all time and Joe attempted to eat as many different sea creatures as possible (lobster, mussels, oysters, clam chowder). The rest of us respected the planet's biodiversity and had smaller, more civilized meals.
Two beers into the meal, I felt the need to put my head down on the table as the day's heatstroke took effect. Midnight seemed like an eternity away and suddenly the realization that while we had large goals, our bodies wouldn't hold up. Thus, Team Big Ideas was born.

We soldiered through our meal and managed to walk around Boston. We managed to see the "fun part of town", then mercifully we went back to our van and drove back to Leominster. Plans to drink in the motel parking lot went unfulfilled.

Sunday Morning
a.k.a. "We Miss Dave"

Waking up at 6:30 on a weekend is hard to do. Especially knowing that more record/near-record temperatures are facing you outside the comfort of your air-conditioned motel room. Joe and Sonia tried to convince the rest of the room to just nap for the rest of the day and drive home. Their arguments were compelling, but eventually we all woke up. It was about 8:10 by the time we all left our rooms and we knew our warm-up wasn't going to be sufficient. Sure, we were in the bottom 16, but we still wanted the best result we could muster. We all psyched ourselves up for our game and hoped that mental preparedness would make-up for the physical.

Fortunately for us, we had two hours to get ready as our game started at 10:30 and we had based our 8:30 start time on rumors and hearsay. Throughout that two hours, we all missed Dave and his willingness to always check the schedule. Unfortunately, he was at his "graduation" or something.

Full Service (Somehwere in New Jersey)

This team ran very hard and had some crazy quick handlers. They loved the long game and sought to bomb it to their tall deep strikes as quickly as possible. Most of their players had long throws, so it was difficult to shut one down. Monster's women dominated the game and opened up a lot of things as they cut quickly and scored several times in the opening part of the game.

Final Score: 15-11

Mako (Hartford, Connecticut)

"Holy crap, how many players do they have?"
"Jesus, that Seattle drill seems pretty useless as people stand still for 5-10 minutes at a time."

This and many more complaints about Mako's 25 (!!!) player roster came from Monster while we sat in the shade in an attempt to avoid passing out from the heat. When game time came, we were lethargic and a bit intimidated by the sheer number of people we would have to run against. We found out it was a tryout tournament, so quantity didn't necessarily translate to quality. Still, they like most sharks, looked hungry.

Mako scored the first two points, but we switched to zone and countered with four. They scored two more, and again we switched to zone with faster man switches to score another four to take the half. At this point, we were starting to feel stronger and started the second half with a 7-0 run. This, coincidentally, ended the half as well.

Final Score: 15-4

Learning About Your Teammates

After that game, we decided as a team to end the tournament there since we did so well and had a long drive back to Toronto. Mako agreed to play our other games for us and we found a hose to wash ourselves down. (During the hosing, half of the guys giggled like little girls because the water was too cold. You know who you are. You're lucky Hilary wasn't filming this.)

After a quick stop at a Chili's, we went into our separate cars and made our way home. During said car ride, Pam imparted a very important lesson to me: "You're taking a serious chance any time you put something very hot between your legs." Words to live by, Pam. Words to live by.

Summary

Every game we played on Saturday required us to play hard if we wanted to win. Whenever we relaxed for a bit, the other team took advantage. This has always been part of our problem, and we need to maintain a killer instinct for all games all the time.

To compete at a high level, you need practice against good teams. Montreal's closeness to Boston shows in the strength of their Co-Ed teams, and the drive down was definitely worth it. The longer games in the difficult weather hammered home our need to always be improving conditioning.

While we didn't finish in the Top 16 like we'd hoped, there were highlights all around. All of the new players added to the roster this tournament shined and showed they fit in well, both on and off the field.

Overall, it was a solid weekend for Monster and hopefully this will be another step forward in our quest to become one of the high level teams.

For Your Consideration...

Hello fellow monsters!

I am truly sorry to bother you today – and, honestly, I hesitated to even bring it up, for I am not one to complain too loudly or insistently – but I simply must object to the current situation vis-à-vis your Monster “plays”. I ruefully note that “Gremlins”, “Count Dracula” and my good friend, the “Abominable Snowman” a.k.a. “Yeti” have all entered your on-field lexicon. Even “Trogdor”, that vile man, er, dragon-man, er…just dragon…seems to hold a place closer to your heart.

Am I too kind-hearted? Does my fluffiness put me out of the running? (But then, you would have to explain Yeti, who, while not overly charming, is certainly fluffy) Is it my Japanese nature? (But surely I heard you yell "Godzilla" just the other day?) But perhaps I am just being too sensitive? Could it be that you simply have not heard of me? My name is Totoro and I am a spirit of the woods. There is a movie all bout me . I even have an asteroid named after me!
I sleep in an enchanted camphor tree by day. I can command the wind at will and those soft hooting sounds you sometimes hear at night? That’s me! Well, me and my friends. I have two little ones – Chu-Totoro and Chibi-Totoro – who help protect the woods with me. I miss Mei and Satsuki, two young Japanese girls who used to hang out with me, but they are too old for me now. Wait…that sounds really bad.

Well, perhaps I should wrap up. I would just like to put myself forward as a candidate for your next wonderful play. It would warm my furry, pointy ears to hear you yell out “Totoro!” in earnest on the field. Good luck on the fields and may the wind be with you!

Yours truly,

Totoro

(Also, the makkurokurosuke have a few choice words for you! Please think of them too.)

First We Take Boston, Then We Take...er...Berlin?

Boston, Massachusetts.

Founded in 1630. Home to the golden-domed State House. Home to the Red Sox and the Green Monster of Fenway Park. Home to Harvard, MIT and Tufts Universities. Home to the Bostonian Accent.

How to speak like a Bostonian: Whenever possible, use a long “a” sound, (Zaaaan, faaaathah), even if “a” isn’t the correct vowel (“Saaaania” or “It sure is haaaat out”). When it is absolutely necessary to use a short “a” sound, turn it into an “ya” sound: “Pat” becomes “Pyat”, “Daph” becomes “Dyaf”. Also, drop all your “r”s at the end of syllables or before a consonant, as in “Haaa’vaaa’d” or “Team Maaansteh”.

But I digress. I should be writing of Devens, MA.

There is nothing whatsoever in Devens, MA. The only two interesting things about Devens, MA are that it is 40 miles outside of Boston and that this week-end it is hosting the UPA Mixed Easterns tournament.

It is tournament number two for MONSTER 2.0. We have been seeded last in our pool. Ahead of us is Puppet Regime (#1), Big Red Death Machine (#2) and Levitation Holmes (#3). This Saturday will be a chance to show us how incorrect this seeding is and to make an international name for MONSTER. Luckily, I’ve been able to do some background research on these teams. It bodes well for our pool play.

At a recent tournament (May 17-18), Big Red Death Machine were seeded third in their pool behind Bashing Piñatas and Muff ‘n Men (both also at Mixed Easterns). They lost to both teams. We have a good chance to beat this team. Things to know about the team: they haven't updated their website since 2006. Puppet Regime were seeded first in their pool, although they lost to the second place team. They look like they will be a tough team. Things to know about the team: everyone on their roster is taller than me. Finally, Leviation Holmes were seeded fourth in their pool and lost all their games handily. We had better not lose to this team. Things to know about the team: their girls have really hot names, like Mara, Yvonne, Eliza, Natalie, Hannah and Hannah. After that, our last game of the day will be against one of Chinstrap, Gecko, Muff ‘n Men and JHOP. None of these games will be easy.

However, we have the team that can win these games. Here are some brief biographies of the attending players:

joe

First arrested in 1986 and charged with impersonation of a Federal Agent, Joe Crampton has left a trail of treachery and deceit behind him. He has only been arrested once since, for non-payment of parking fines. This is remarkable considering the numerous confidence schemes he has been involved in, which are often successful, leaving no connection to him. But mark my words, shortly after first encountering Joe, it is not unusual to discover that your identity has been stolen, your credit has be maxed out, your best wine has been drunk and your daughter is pregnant.

jim

With his devasting left foot, deft ball placement and considerable pace, Jim is a worthy addition to any midfield. His ability to curve the ball around the wall and into the net from free kicks as close as 20 feet have led to the coining of the phrase "jim'll bend it!". His hot temper has gotten him into trouble on a number of occasions and he has picked up ten yellow cards this season for disrepecting the referee. Field him with caution when your team is playing poorly, as he may draw a red card. He has never played Ultimate.

daphne

The room suddenly went dark and Daphne found herself blinking rapidly in an effort to restore her vision. Every move she made sounded deafening loud to her. She could hear the blood rushing in her temples. It was in here with her. Its rank odour filled the room, but too dispersed for her to get a fix on its location. The air was completely still and felt like a warm, damp cloth pressed down over her skin. With only one shot left, it had to be a good one. What was it that Sensai had said? Between the eyes was the only shot worth taking. Daphne squared her shoulders in decision. "Here I come, you alien asshole!"

nate

An elite counterespionage agent, Nate’s typical mornings involve a light continental breakfast with an espresso, preferably of Peruvian origin. This is followed by a moderately-intense yoga routine and, as often as not, acrobatic sexual congress with one or more foreign agents sent to seduce him. Nate speaks seventeen languages fluently with additional regional variations, when necessary. It is not unusual for him to kill two or three enemy agents before lunch. Nate lost one eye in a tragic fencing accident and wears a silver eyepatch.

amanda

AMANDA (Antarctic Muon And Neutrino Detector Array) is a neutrino telescope located at the South Pole. Made up of 677 photomultipler tubes sunk 1500 meters into the ice, AMANDA is designed to detect high-energy neutrinos as they pass through the Earth from the northern hemisphere and exit at the South Pole. By analysing the photon hit—by-products of a neutrino’s collision with oxygen or hydrogen atoms—in the optical modules, estimations of the direction of travel of the original neutrino can be made, allowing for closer study of our Sun and for research into dark matter. AMANDA was phased out in 2005.

graeme

Local entrepreneur, playboy, mountebank and all around gadabout, Graeme is well known amongst the glitterati as the sort of person one must have at dinner parties, if only for the potential anecdotes his presence will generate. It is generally accepted that the trail of broken hearts, pilfered heirlooms and newly acquired drug habits are the prices one must pay to stay in contact with his scintillating charm.

juan

Juan is the son of an ironmonger. At the age of fifteen he was mistakenly apprenticed to a pirate and as a result has one wooden leg and a hook for his left hand. He likes to mete out small doses of his vast, accrued experiences on the high seas, but is likely to bite off your hand if you should question their veracity. A small volume of his poems was published in 1997 and a memoir was scheduled for release in 2002 but has not yet seen the light of day.

steve

Steve likes scotch. I mean, he really likes that stuff. His preference is single malt, but he also enjoys the occasional tipple of vatted malt blended or single grain scotch. He enjoys Islay, Campbeltown, Lowland and Highland whiskies, but his favourites are from the Speyside region (e.g. Macallan, Glenfiddich, Balvenie, Glenlivet, Aberlour). He really just can’t drink enough of scotches, especially those with a gold colour, a smoky caramel nose (with hints of apricot pie) that go on with overtones of plum jam and heather, have a mouth of salty liquorice, rosemary, rubber and soap and have a long finish—salty with a little caramel (Werther’s).

paul

Paul remains an elusive and mysterious creature. Only a handful have ever been observed in the wild and there is no photographic evidence on record. All that remains is a partial skeleton in a backroom of the Smithsonian. However, even from this limited evidence, it is obvious that paulus avias is a remarkable bird capable of sustaining flight for up to two hours with a single flap of its two meter wingspan. To see one in flight is to be truly blessed. native to the Antarctic Ice Shelf

hilda

Understanding Hilda’s behaviour and recognizing signs of her recent passing are important when hiking or camping in Hilda territory. She has a keen sense of smell—up to seven times more powerful than dogs—and can detect odours over a mile away. Hilda is nervous, shy and easily frightened, but she can cause serious injury if startled, cornered, or provoked. It is therefore advisable to NEVER STARTLE HILDA! “Advertise” your presence by wearing bells, singing, clapping, etc. If Hilda approaches you STAY CALM and absolutely DO NOT RUN, merely back away slowly talking in a soothing voice. As a last resort, make sure you can run faster than your companions, as she will stop to feast on the first victim.

pat

In the bustling world of British fashion, one name stands out in the crowded menswear field – Pat Dolan. Dolan has developed a cult following for his casual clothing line, with it’s clean, elegant lines and refined use of fabrics and embroidery. He has presented an ambitious five collections this season alone and made his Paris debut in February 2007. Objections were raised when he was not named to the annual “100 influential people in fashion list” in Vogue Magazine. His star is still on the rise, however. One to watch!

sonia

It is late spring and the trees and grass are already blossoming. The air is full of pollen and flying insects, fertilizing the flowering plants. The trees might not object, but your sinuses certainly do! Naturally, your thoughts turn immediately to Sonia®. Use new and improved Sonia® once-daily to control your allergy symptoms. WARNING: May cause drowsiness or fatigue. Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Sonia®.

hilary

Hilary is the edible fruit of a tree, native to south-eastern Asia. His name comes from the Malay word duri which means “thorn”. The shape of Hilary ranges from oblong to round, the colour of his husk from green to brown, and his flesh from pale to red. His hard outer husk is covered with sharp, prickly thorns and the flesh within emits a strong, distinctive odour. Some regard this odour as fragrant, while the uninitiated often find it overpowering or offensive. The edible portion of Hilary is the custard-like flesh.

zan zan (steph)

Steph was born in 1905 in Los Angeles, California to a laundryman and a female physics professor. As a teenager she began to take small, walk-on parts in the early days of Hollywood. Her first big role was alongside Douglas Fairbanks in The Thief of Bagdad. Subsequent roles in Piccadilly and Shanghai Express cemented her place in the pantheon of silent film stars, but she subsequently faded into obscurity. However, due to a foolish and tragic time-travel experiment conducted at Berkley in 1968, she began to age backward and every morning wakes up one day younger. This has led to great confusion at Revenue Canada.

peyton

Leaning against the wooden fence, Peyton projects the very picture of congeniality. “I didn’t really worry about the fire at the time,” he says with a depreciative shrug. “I was just concerned with getting in that house and saving the children.” Firefighters have said that his heroic and timely actions saved the three orphans from certain death by smoke inhalation. I asked Peyton why, with the resulting second-degree burns he suffered, he didn’t stop his heroic actions then. “Well, when the ambulance was stopped at the traffic lights, I saw a pregnant single mother having trouble swimming in the lake, and I just dove right in, so to speak,” he says with a wry chuckle. Mother and child are doing well thanks to Peyton, who also delivered the baby on the spot. Peyton’s left arm was subsequently amputated due to infection of his burns with clostridium difficile contracted from the lake water.

pam

The sunlight dappled the still pond with leopard spots. The air hung heavy and damp, casting a pregnant aura, as though holding its breath. The same sunlight danced through the grasses, illuminating small predators stalking smaller prey in an absurdity of slow-motion. The infrequent, cooling breezes were preceded by a heralding rustle of distant leaves, and the whole world seemed to turn expectantly towards the sound. Leaning casually back against the back porch, Pam watched as dew beaded on the glass in her hand, mirrored by the sweat that traced a path down her nose. "God damn it!" she said. "What the fuck does a girl have to do to get a decent mojito around here?"

Monster vs Tundra: Round 1

(Monster brings it in)

Prologue

In trying to come up with a way to end last post's build up to Monster's scrimmage against Tundra, I came up with "Can the Beast beat the landscape?" What the heck kind of way is that to hype it up? So I decided to go to the source, Andy Milne, one of Tundra's tri-captains the reasoning behind the naming decision:

Juan: "So, Andy, why Tundra?"
Andy: "I don't know. It sounded good? We're cold? Like Canada?"
Juan: "The problem is, I can't even say it's the beast versus the mountain. It's a plain. Like, flat land. That's not intimidating unless you have a fear of open spaces. And really, you're not scaring anyone because your opponent demographic is about being comfortable in open spaces."
Andy: "It still sounds good."
Juan: "I really can't argue that."

That dialogue only shows a fraction of the bad blood and enmity that exists between two of the three teams vying for the title of "Toronto's Top Co-Ed Team", something that will be fostered throughout the season as they will share the practice field. Will someone spike the other's team's water bottles with HGH? Will a guitar get smashed over someone's head? Who's to say? All I know is that on Thursday, May 23rd, the first round of Canadian Ultimate's version of the Hatfields and the McCoys took place.

(It was so windy two of Tundra's women were almost blown over)

Scrimmage

It was a windy afternoon at York Mills Collegiate Institute, and Monster tried to look at it as an oppotunity to practice under less than ideal conditions. We did our standard warm-up routine, then proceed to Throw-for-Scores upwind. The throws, both backhands and forehands, were not pretty at first, but our completion percentage steadily started increasing. We kept putting more and more spin on our discs, while keeping throws low. They weren't full field hucks, but they were the types of throws that we would be using to break a zone upwind. After that, we scaled back to break-force 45s and our throws looked better over shorter distances. Our biggest problem was maintaining focus and always ready for the continuation throws that followed.

After the drills, Peyton and Shimmy met on the sidelines and decided to play a game to 17. We divided into upwind and downwind lines to best reflect the strengths of individual players, and sent our downwinders out to receive at the start of the game. The line flowed very quickly and used the backing wind to complete crisp passes for a score. The truest test would be the upwind line's ability to score against a fierce headwind. Tundra sent the pull deep into the Monster endzone and sent a cup screaming down the field in an obvious zone scenario. Shimmy was the vocal leader in the cup, setting up a strong mark and always harrying any throwing lanes. The upwind handlers used a patient dump and swing to loosen the cup, then began attacking the ever-widening holes between the three Tundra players. Once the first set of passes got through the cup, Monster quickly flowed up the sideline for a score. The first two scores set the tone for the game, as Monster reeled off several more points by setting tough zone D to quick transition scores. Tundra scored a downwinder, and the teams started to trade more points until Tundra scored an upwinder of their own to bring the game to a timed half time. Tundra's two main highlights were Frogger's handblock of Peyton (to avenge a second effort catch by Peyton earlier in the game) and numerous attempts by Tundra to kill Chinh with throws that were too high or too low. The universe got its revenge on Frogger by rolling his ankle, and Peyton warned anyone attempting to handblock him that he was protected by powers beyond our imagination.

(Evidence of the Espionage!)

During half time, Hilary brought out his miniature field to show us how Tundra was attempting to break our zone defenses. He attributed their offenses to the old Roy Zone Breaker play, with mid cutters extending the hammer stoppers to the sidelines then having a third using the newly
created hole to get a deeper pass up field. Hilary's knowledge of Roy's play came from his time on the team with Tundra's three captains. A woman affiliated with Tundra was seen hovering behind the Monster huddle taking pictures of the miniature field. She was let off with a warning, but tensions are high after similar incidents took place with the NFL's"Spygate" scandal.

Peyton and Shimmy met after half time and agreed to reset the score and play until it got dark. Monster worked on transition defenses, resulting in several blown plays and some miscommunication. Even in these mistakes, it was good to see some of the issues take place outside of a tournament so that the team would have time to work on them. The biggest key was making the most of our time on the line to determine our plays, identify positioning and get ready for the point in general. Sometimes, Monster would talk too much, a fact that will be held against us at tournaments.

Conclusion

Overall, it was a great opportunity to play against a competitive touring team and focus on the concepts we'd worked on in practices. There is something inspiring playing against a different team that allows us to amp up our intensity. While it wasn't at a tournament level (it's difficult to
do it after work and when you know most of the other team), it was a good break from internal practices and gave us more to build upon. We know that Tundra was missing some players, so we look forward to playing against a great team from our city.

MONSTER gets hungry at TUF

Photography by Jim Hui

Groundhog's Weekend

When the news came that we would be starting at 9 am on Saturday as the number one seed, team spirits were fairly dejected. When that was compounded by the fact that we had to play a fourth game at the end of the day that did not matter for us, emotion turned to anger. Thankfully, we went through a deep breathing yoga session where everyone re-focused their chakras and cleared their head. (That's a lie. I was still complaining when we arrived for the 8 am warm-up and continued throughout the rest of the day. I'm normally a sprinter, but I'm a marathoner when it comes to complaining.) The major consolation was that the weather was gorgeous compared to past TUT/TUF tournaments. So we had that going for us, which was nice.

Banana Cream Pie (Toronto)

Our first game was against a very familiar team: Banana Cream Pie. A league team full of former touring players (some of whom had Nationals and Worlds experience), we knew that we would have our work cut out for us. Especially since they were the second seed in our pool. Since many teams can start slowly in their first game, we knew we had to capitalize on our numbers before their veteran savvy could get them an early lead. We went with our quick flow offense and they seemed uninterested in running with us for the most part.

Final Score: 13-4

Practice (Ottawa)

Our second game was against a casual Ottawa team of former touring players. They wanted to test themselves against other touring teams to see where they stood and hoped to make a run at Nationals if they had fun. We made few mistakes and capitalized on their's. They had several almost catches and d's, so the final score wasn't indicative of the game.

Final Score: 13-4

Glory (Brampton)

Brampton's Co-Ed team decided to get serious this year, and it definitely showed. The team was full of players who made every disc a battle, but there was a disparity with the overall athleticism and the desire. The team was a mix of older players with a few inexperienced ones. The game was tighter in the first half, but Monster eventually pulled away when we finally decided to play a more disciplined running game. We assumed they would just roll over as the sixteenth seed, but they definitely deserved our respect.

Final Score: 13-7

Crisis (Kitchener)

Waterloo's second team has moved away from any liquid or water-based names. I think this is a healthy step for a team trying to establish its own identity within a club system. It isn't healthy to solely define one's self as the younger sibling, and the team was full of excited players getting into touring Ultimate. The game didn't matter, but the captain asked us to play hard so they could see what touring level Ultimate was like, as well as to get a better estimate of individual player skill. We went up quickly against the team, but lost focus as the game went on. This is something we need to work on as a team: developing a killer instinct and not stopping until the game is over.

Sidenote: Reason #587 Not to Play a Spirit Game - During a game of butt boxing (where you match-up "cheek to cheek" and try to knock the other person over), our captain, Peyton, squared off against the tallest guy on their team (it's much better to have a low center of gravity for the game). Not only did the giant knock Peyton over, he also fell onto Peyton's throwing wrist. Peyton was okay, but the damage to our collective psyche was palpable. Luckily, Pam, our smallest (and some might say scrappiest) player was on hand to avenge Peyton in the butt boxing final by taking down the giant and restoring balance to the universe.

Final Score: 13-3

Photography by Jim Hui

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

Bytown Flatball Club (Ottawa) - Quarterfinals

Ottawa's top Co-Ed team and last year's runner's up at Nationals...has seen better days. After winning last year's TUF, there was only a small number of alumni from the team. They still had some strong players and were very hungry to prove that the people who were on the team trumped the people who weren't. With a few exceptions, the team lacked the speed, size and experience of the year before, and Monster used their advantage in those categories. BFC had a few unlucky drops and the game was closer than the score indicated.

Final Score: 15-4

RIP (Montreal) - Semifinals

RIP was one of the teams that Monster could not beat last year. Quebec teams have a well-deserved reputation for being the non-stop underneath team. This year, there were several new faces on the team, but the philosophy remained the same. Several players from Montreal's second team, Les Bouettes, moved up to RIP and fit in seamlessly. They had a much closer Quarterfinals, with a 7-7 tie turning into a 15-7 win. The mental toughness they showed in that game carried into the Semis. After scoring the first point, Monster watched as RIP scored seven straight points. Thanks mostly to their up-the-line cuts and the dominance of Ray (Gender Blender's fastest man several years ago), they cut apart Monster. Monster came back before half, but the score was still 4-8. RIP's momentum carried them even further in the second half, and Monster saw the first defeat of its 2008 campaign.

Final Score: 6-14

Liquid (Waterloo) - Consolation Finals

It wouldn't be a tournament if we didn't play Liquid. The hardest running team in Ontario, they wanted to play one more game to decide third place. They are very hungry and had several additions to the team. We agreed to play a game to 9 on an unused field away from the main tournament action. There was a reason the field was unused, as it was higher and much, much windier. Several players decided to sit out the game for both teams, so we ended playing two lines (upwind and downwind). Monster scored a break, to take the first half 5-3. Something Liquid's captain said woke them up and suddenly they tied the score 5-5. Having never lost to Liquid on a Sunday last year, there was a chance to break a proud Monster streak. Monster rallied back and fought off some amazing d's and grabs from a new Liquid player, but like losing to RIP, the streak against Liquid continued.

Final Score: 9-7

Tournament Recap:

Due to the size of the tournament and the number of teams in the top bracket, the Saturday games were mostly a warm-up for the Sunday games. Sunday's games continued a trend from last year that we can address earlier this year. We did not play RIP until halfway through last season, and we didn't adjust to their type of game. This year, we have an entire season to build on what we learned and hope to advance on last year's sixth place Nationals finish. This year, no one will underestimate us and we will definitely have to come out running from the first horn.

RIP ended up winning the tournament on universe point against Big Hammers. Our only loss being to the tournament champions was very little consolation, as it also means that the Hammers get bragging rights as the top Toronto team until the next set of tournament results. Tundra had a top six showing, very promising for a group of players who had mostly not played together. They lost to a solid Mayhem team in the 5/6 game, but we'll get a chance to see them firsthand on Thursday for a scrimmage practice. Will the Beast beat the Landscape? Find out Thursday!

Toronto Ultimate Festival - Season Start Up

With the start of May comes the unofficial beginning of the summer touring season: the Toronto Ultimate Festival (TUF). One of the rare tournaments that caters to the big three divisions (Open, Womens and Co-Ed), it's an opportunity for nearby teams to finalize rosters and see friends in other divisions before the summer splits off into single-gender/Co-Ed tournaments.

After last weekend's agonizing decision making process, the leadership is looking forward to the opportunity to match or beat last year's third place finish. Expectations are much higher this year, especially since the team is now seeded first overall in the Co-Ed division. Changes to Bytown Flatball Club (last year's second best team in Canada according to Nationals) mean a shift in the eastern powers. The Quebec teams are (in)famous for their ability to run all day, Waterloo will field the hardest working team in Ultimate and Big Hammers and Tundra will look to become Toronto's "number one" team. It will be an exciting first look at what to expect from other teams for the rest of the year, as well as test out possible line-ups, plays and strategies. It will also be a chance for Monster to change its winless streaks against both Mayhem (Hamilton) and RIP (Montreal-area), all games last year being decided by one or two points.

The biggest problem with sustaining a competitive touring team is not being complacent after a good year. With most of Monster returning, there's a strong core and the addition of a few new players should solidify the team. After our first practice, people seemed to get in tune with the team's philosophy and began the process of learning each other's tendencies. Hopefully this translates into a strong result at Sunnybrook this weekend, but in the big picture, it's not wins early in the season that matter so much as the ones in July and August. Come this weekend, let the games begin.

MONSTER Garbage

Despite the patches of rain, many ultimate players came out to participate in the Annual TUC City Clean Up. Some Monsters were so keen, that they opted out of the photo shoot (to pick up even more garbage!) The 2008 Best Find Title goes to Dave Ng for finding half a litre of white wine. This record is only second to the "2007 Best Find" when Peyton discovered a dozen unopened Corona's under some bushes at Cedarvale Park.

Thanks again to everyone that helped with the Clean Up and the TUC Clinic afterwards.

MONSTER Clean Up

MONSTER is participating in the Annual TUC City Clean-up! Let's do our part in keeping our city cleaner (and greener!)

Date: Saturday May 3, 2008
Time: 10:00am-12:00pm
Location: David Balfour Park (Rosehill Reservoir)

For those interested in volunteering, please drop us a line.

MONSTER Tryouts

MONSTER is hosting tryouts for all players who want to be a part of a fun, competitive co-ed team. Our goals this year are to continue developing and improving upon last year's success. To do this we are aiming to compete in 7-8 tournaments over the summer while having two practices/week.

Date: Saturday April 26, 2008
Time: 10:00am-3:00pm
Location: Riverdale Park East

For those interested in trying out, please fill out this online form.