First We Take Boston, Then We Take...er...Berlin?

Boston, Massachusetts.

Founded in 1630. Home to the golden-domed State House. Home to the Red Sox and the Green Monster of Fenway Park. Home to Harvard, MIT and Tufts Universities. Home to the Bostonian Accent.

How to speak like a Bostonian: Whenever possible, use a long “a” sound, (Zaaaan, faaaathah), even if “a” isn’t the correct vowel (“Saaaania” or “It sure is haaaat out”). When it is absolutely necessary to use a short “a” sound, turn it into an “ya” sound: “Pat” becomes “Pyat”, “Daph” becomes “Dyaf”. Also, drop all your “r”s at the end of syllables or before a consonant, as in “Haaa’vaaa’d” or “Team Maaansteh”.

But I digress. I should be writing of Devens, MA.

There is nothing whatsoever in Devens, MA. The only two interesting things about Devens, MA are that it is 40 miles outside of Boston and that this week-end it is hosting the UPA Mixed Easterns tournament.

It is tournament number two for MONSTER 2.0. We have been seeded last in our pool. Ahead of us is Puppet Regime (#1), Big Red Death Machine (#2) and Levitation Holmes (#3). This Saturday will be a chance to show us how incorrect this seeding is and to make an international name for MONSTER. Luckily, I’ve been able to do some background research on these teams. It bodes well for our pool play.

At a recent tournament (May 17-18), Big Red Death Machine were seeded third in their pool behind Bashing Piñatas and Muff ‘n Men (both also at Mixed Easterns). They lost to both teams. We have a good chance to beat this team. Things to know about the team: they haven't updated their website since 2006. Puppet Regime were seeded first in their pool, although they lost to the second place team. They look like they will be a tough team. Things to know about the team: everyone on their roster is taller than me. Finally, Leviation Holmes were seeded fourth in their pool and lost all their games handily. We had better not lose to this team. Things to know about the team: their girls have really hot names, like Mara, Yvonne, Eliza, Natalie, Hannah and Hannah. After that, our last game of the day will be against one of Chinstrap, Gecko, Muff ‘n Men and JHOP. None of these games will be easy.

However, we have the team that can win these games. Here are some brief biographies of the attending players:

joe

First arrested in 1986 and charged with impersonation of a Federal Agent, Joe Crampton has left a trail of treachery and deceit behind him. He has only been arrested once since, for non-payment of parking fines. This is remarkable considering the numerous confidence schemes he has been involved in, which are often successful, leaving no connection to him. But mark my words, shortly after first encountering Joe, it is not unusual to discover that your identity has been stolen, your credit has be maxed out, your best wine has been drunk and your daughter is pregnant.

jim

With his devasting left foot, deft ball placement and considerable pace, Jim is a worthy addition to any midfield. His ability to curve the ball around the wall and into the net from free kicks as close as 20 feet have led to the coining of the phrase "jim'll bend it!". His hot temper has gotten him into trouble on a number of occasions and he has picked up ten yellow cards this season for disrepecting the referee. Field him with caution when your team is playing poorly, as he may draw a red card. He has never played Ultimate.

daphne

The room suddenly went dark and Daphne found herself blinking rapidly in an effort to restore her vision. Every move she made sounded deafening loud to her. She could hear the blood rushing in her temples. It was in here with her. Its rank odour filled the room, but too dispersed for her to get a fix on its location. The air was completely still and felt like a warm, damp cloth pressed down over her skin. With only one shot left, it had to be a good one. What was it that Sensai had said? Between the eyes was the only shot worth taking. Daphne squared her shoulders in decision. "Here I come, you alien asshole!"

nate

An elite counterespionage agent, Nate’s typical mornings involve a light continental breakfast with an espresso, preferably of Peruvian origin. This is followed by a moderately-intense yoga routine and, as often as not, acrobatic sexual congress with one or more foreign agents sent to seduce him. Nate speaks seventeen languages fluently with additional regional variations, when necessary. It is not unusual for him to kill two or three enemy agents before lunch. Nate lost one eye in a tragic fencing accident and wears a silver eyepatch.

amanda

AMANDA (Antarctic Muon And Neutrino Detector Array) is a neutrino telescope located at the South Pole. Made up of 677 photomultipler tubes sunk 1500 meters into the ice, AMANDA is designed to detect high-energy neutrinos as they pass through the Earth from the northern hemisphere and exit at the South Pole. By analysing the photon hit—by-products of a neutrino’s collision with oxygen or hydrogen atoms—in the optical modules, estimations of the direction of travel of the original neutrino can be made, allowing for closer study of our Sun and for research into dark matter. AMANDA was phased out in 2005.

graeme

Local entrepreneur, playboy, mountebank and all around gadabout, Graeme is well known amongst the glitterati as the sort of person one must have at dinner parties, if only for the potential anecdotes his presence will generate. It is generally accepted that the trail of broken hearts, pilfered heirlooms and newly acquired drug habits are the prices one must pay to stay in contact with his scintillating charm.

juan

Juan is the son of an ironmonger. At the age of fifteen he was mistakenly apprenticed to a pirate and as a result has one wooden leg and a hook for his left hand. He likes to mete out small doses of his vast, accrued experiences on the high seas, but is likely to bite off your hand if you should question their veracity. A small volume of his poems was published in 1997 and a memoir was scheduled for release in 2002 but has not yet seen the light of day.

steve

Steve likes scotch. I mean, he really likes that stuff. His preference is single malt, but he also enjoys the occasional tipple of vatted malt blended or single grain scotch. He enjoys Islay, Campbeltown, Lowland and Highland whiskies, but his favourites are from the Speyside region (e.g. Macallan, Glenfiddich, Balvenie, Glenlivet, Aberlour). He really just can’t drink enough of scotches, especially those with a gold colour, a smoky caramel nose (with hints of apricot pie) that go on with overtones of plum jam and heather, have a mouth of salty liquorice, rosemary, rubber and soap and have a long finish—salty with a little caramel (Werther’s).

paul

Paul remains an elusive and mysterious creature. Only a handful have ever been observed in the wild and there is no photographic evidence on record. All that remains is a partial skeleton in a backroom of the Smithsonian. However, even from this limited evidence, it is obvious that paulus avias is a remarkable bird capable of sustaining flight for up to two hours with a single flap of its two meter wingspan. To see one in flight is to be truly blessed. native to the Antarctic Ice Shelf

hilda

Understanding Hilda’s behaviour and recognizing signs of her recent passing are important when hiking or camping in Hilda territory. She has a keen sense of smell—up to seven times more powerful than dogs—and can detect odours over a mile away. Hilda is nervous, shy and easily frightened, but she can cause serious injury if startled, cornered, or provoked. It is therefore advisable to NEVER STARTLE HILDA! “Advertise” your presence by wearing bells, singing, clapping, etc. If Hilda approaches you STAY CALM and absolutely DO NOT RUN, merely back away slowly talking in a soothing voice. As a last resort, make sure you can run faster than your companions, as she will stop to feast on the first victim.

pat

In the bustling world of British fashion, one name stands out in the crowded menswear field – Pat Dolan. Dolan has developed a cult following for his casual clothing line, with it’s clean, elegant lines and refined use of fabrics and embroidery. He has presented an ambitious five collections this season alone and made his Paris debut in February 2007. Objections were raised when he was not named to the annual “100 influential people in fashion list” in Vogue Magazine. His star is still on the rise, however. One to watch!

sonia

It is late spring and the trees and grass are already blossoming. The air is full of pollen and flying insects, fertilizing the flowering plants. The trees might not object, but your sinuses certainly do! Naturally, your thoughts turn immediately to Sonia®. Use new and improved Sonia® once-daily to control your allergy symptoms. WARNING: May cause drowsiness or fatigue. Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Sonia®.

hilary

Hilary is the edible fruit of a tree, native to south-eastern Asia. His name comes from the Malay word duri which means “thorn”. The shape of Hilary ranges from oblong to round, the colour of his husk from green to brown, and his flesh from pale to red. His hard outer husk is covered with sharp, prickly thorns and the flesh within emits a strong, distinctive odour. Some regard this odour as fragrant, while the uninitiated often find it overpowering or offensive. The edible portion of Hilary is the custard-like flesh.

zan zan (steph)

Steph was born in 1905 in Los Angeles, California to a laundryman and a female physics professor. As a teenager she began to take small, walk-on parts in the early days of Hollywood. Her first big role was alongside Douglas Fairbanks in The Thief of Bagdad. Subsequent roles in Piccadilly and Shanghai Express cemented her place in the pantheon of silent film stars, but she subsequently faded into obscurity. However, due to a foolish and tragic time-travel experiment conducted at Berkley in 1968, she began to age backward and every morning wakes up one day younger. This has led to great confusion at Revenue Canada.

peyton

Leaning against the wooden fence, Peyton projects the very picture of congeniality. “I didn’t really worry about the fire at the time,” he says with a depreciative shrug. “I was just concerned with getting in that house and saving the children.” Firefighters have said that his heroic and timely actions saved the three orphans from certain death by smoke inhalation. I asked Peyton why, with the resulting second-degree burns he suffered, he didn’t stop his heroic actions then. “Well, when the ambulance was stopped at the traffic lights, I saw a pregnant single mother having trouble swimming in the lake, and I just dove right in, so to speak,” he says with a wry chuckle. Mother and child are doing well thanks to Peyton, who also delivered the baby on the spot. Peyton’s left arm was subsequently amputated due to infection of his burns with clostridium difficile contracted from the lake water.

pam

The sunlight dappled the still pond with leopard spots. The air hung heavy and damp, casting a pregnant aura, as though holding its breath. The same sunlight danced through the grasses, illuminating small predators stalking smaller prey in an absurdity of slow-motion. The infrequent, cooling breezes were preceded by a heralding rustle of distant leaves, and the whole world seemed to turn expectantly towards the sound. Leaning casually back against the back porch, Pam watched as dew beaded on the glass in her hand, mirrored by the sweat that traced a path down her nose. "God damn it!" she said. "What the fuck does a girl have to do to get a decent mojito around here?"