Chow-Dair

Prior to Easterns, my fellow blogger, Graeme, used the magic of Google to scout out opposing teams. Based on their UPA RRI and their Web sites, he predicted a 2-1 finish in pool play. This wouldn't be too shocking if we weren't seeded last in our pool and 31st out of 32 total teams. Still, we appreciated his confidence in us. Unfortunately, Big Red Death Machine did not respond well to this opening salvo, and their riposte was swift and decisive. In old school terms, "It was on, bitches!" The fact that they were our first game of pool play provided a lot of talk for the trip down.

Split Squad

16 Monsters made their way down to Boston on Friday, five of whom chose to drive to Buffalo then fly to Boston. The drive down was uneventful, with the exception of the standard stop at the border. We got to Devens around 1 (after Sonia predicted 11), and crammed ourselves into a special access room with a giant bathroom. For some odd reason, the air conditioning wasn't on so we left the hotel door wedged open and decided that a random murder was less likely than asphyxiation.

The next morning, we were woken up by Hilary telling us we had to get up at that point if we wanted to eat. As a non-tournament breakfast person, I just watched The Weather Channel talk about record temperature highs and to avoid being outdoors at all possible costs for the next few days. Ultimate players may be the stupidest smart people on the planet. Monster consists of lawyers, teachers, accountants and other professionals...and yet we torture ourselves in these conditions. It builds character or something like that.

Big Red Death Machine (Washington, D.C./Maryland)
aka "Our Machine Was Built For Death"

We arrived at the fields for our 10:30 game with enough time to run a few laps as a warm-up and get into our throwing drills to get ready for the game. Big Red Death Machine was already there, and I went over to find out who posted on our site. They pointed Aaron out, and we talked for a bit and laughed about the posts. We wished each other luck and went to our huddles before the game started.

We came out fast against BRDM and used our flow and quickness to capitalize on their turnovers. It took them a few points to settle down, and we started trading points. We had a solid lead at half time, and started slowing down. This let them get back into the game and if the game did not end in the soft-cap, they looked like they had a shot to take the lead.

They complimented us on our quickness and decisiveness in play, and we were glad that our practices started to pay off. Our tendency to start fast and end slow almost bit us, but thankfully we held on.

Final Score: 14-11

Puppet Regime (New York City)

The top-seeded team in our pool. The Puppet Regime at this tournament was only a try-out team as half of their full squad didn't show. They came out intense and fast, and out-ran us physically. They broke us once, and we started trading points with them. They took the half, by a couple of points, but once soft cap hit, they closed us out quickly.

They finished in the Top Eight overall, but Monster definitely has a long way to go before competing at the top Co-Ed level. It was encouraging to be able to play with them, but we practice and travel to compete with good teams, not just for the "honor" of playing them.

Final Score: 8-12

Levitation Holmes (Brooklyn, NY)

The third-seeded team in our pool, they were 0-2 against the Machine and the Regime so far. We were assured that our style of game would do well against their's as we had athleticism and experience, whereas they were more of an athleticism-based team. When we went down 0-3, we called a time out and had to shorten the lines a bit to get back in the game. They threw a zone on us, but the turnovers were more our fault than their's.

We came back slowly, but the extra effort and discipline needed took its toll in the heat. Several Monsters had cramping and dehydration issues, and several people had to stay in the shade to recover. Pat's calves were spasming so badly that Joe said it looked like, "Live animals were running around in them". We managed to pull the game out to finish 2-1 in pool play, but the day so far had taken its toll and we were loathe to play our crossover game.

Final Score: 11-5

Muff'N'Men (Pittsburgh, PA) - Crossover Game

Universe point in a game between Gecko and Chinstrap decided that Muff'N'Men would be our crossover game opponents. We asked if they wanted to play and they were very eager to get the game started. We came out very slow and Muff'N'Men pulled out to a big lead. This game was a serious gutcheck, and it was only in the middle stages that we found our legs and started scoring against them. For the most part, they dominated the game based on long hucks and stifling defense. A small run (including some crazy defense by Jim) helped us make the score respectable, but they pulled away at the end, dooming us to the bottom 16.

Final Score: 6-13

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT
(Featuring Team Big Ideas)

We arrived back at the motel and decided what we'd do for the night. In between catching potato chips from people on the second floor balcony, a small contingent (Daphne, Graeme, Joe, Steve and myself) decided to go to Boston. We set midnight as the time we'd come, and halfway through the 45-minute car ride, we managed to convince ourselves that we could stretch that out. It was Boston and Monster came to party!

We went to Legal Seafood, where we had the nicest server of all time and Joe attempted to eat as many different sea creatures as possible (lobster, mussels, oysters, clam chowder). The rest of us respected the planet's biodiversity and had smaller, more civilized meals.
Two beers into the meal, I felt the need to put my head down on the table as the day's heatstroke took effect. Midnight seemed like an eternity away and suddenly the realization that while we had large goals, our bodies wouldn't hold up. Thus, Team Big Ideas was born.

We soldiered through our meal and managed to walk around Boston. We managed to see the "fun part of town", then mercifully we went back to our van and drove back to Leominster. Plans to drink in the motel parking lot went unfulfilled.

Sunday Morning
a.k.a. "We Miss Dave"

Waking up at 6:30 on a weekend is hard to do. Especially knowing that more record/near-record temperatures are facing you outside the comfort of your air-conditioned motel room. Joe and Sonia tried to convince the rest of the room to just nap for the rest of the day and drive home. Their arguments were compelling, but eventually we all woke up. It was about 8:10 by the time we all left our rooms and we knew our warm-up wasn't going to be sufficient. Sure, we were in the bottom 16, but we still wanted the best result we could muster. We all psyched ourselves up for our game and hoped that mental preparedness would make-up for the physical.

Fortunately for us, we had two hours to get ready as our game started at 10:30 and we had based our 8:30 start time on rumors and hearsay. Throughout that two hours, we all missed Dave and his willingness to always check the schedule. Unfortunately, he was at his "graduation" or something.

Full Service (Somehwere in New Jersey)

This team ran very hard and had some crazy quick handlers. They loved the long game and sought to bomb it to their tall deep strikes as quickly as possible. Most of their players had long throws, so it was difficult to shut one down. Monster's women dominated the game and opened up a lot of things as they cut quickly and scored several times in the opening part of the game.

Final Score: 15-11

Mako (Hartford, Connecticut)

"Holy crap, how many players do they have?"
"Jesus, that Seattle drill seems pretty useless as people stand still for 5-10 minutes at a time."

This and many more complaints about Mako's 25 (!!!) player roster came from Monster while we sat in the shade in an attempt to avoid passing out from the heat. When game time came, we were lethargic and a bit intimidated by the sheer number of people we would have to run against. We found out it was a tryout tournament, so quantity didn't necessarily translate to quality. Still, they like most sharks, looked hungry.

Mako scored the first two points, but we switched to zone and countered with four. They scored two more, and again we switched to zone with faster man switches to score another four to take the half. At this point, we were starting to feel stronger and started the second half with a 7-0 run. This, coincidentally, ended the half as well.

Final Score: 15-4

Learning About Your Teammates

After that game, we decided as a team to end the tournament there since we did so well and had a long drive back to Toronto. Mako agreed to play our other games for us and we found a hose to wash ourselves down. (During the hosing, half of the guys giggled like little girls because the water was too cold. You know who you are. You're lucky Hilary wasn't filming this.)

After a quick stop at a Chili's, we went into our separate cars and made our way home. During said car ride, Pam imparted a very important lesson to me: "You're taking a serious chance any time you put something very hot between your legs." Words to live by, Pam. Words to live by.

Summary

Every game we played on Saturday required us to play hard if we wanted to win. Whenever we relaxed for a bit, the other team took advantage. This has always been part of our problem, and we need to maintain a killer instinct for all games all the time.

To compete at a high level, you need practice against good teams. Montreal's closeness to Boston shows in the strength of their Co-Ed teams, and the drive down was definitely worth it. The longer games in the difficult weather hammered home our need to always be improving conditioning.

While we didn't finish in the Top 16 like we'd hoped, there were highlights all around. All of the new players added to the roster this tournament shined and showed they fit in well, both on and off the field.

Overall, it was a solid weekend for Monster and hopefully this will be another step forward in our quest to become one of the high level teams.

For Your Consideration...

Hello fellow monsters!

I am truly sorry to bother you today – and, honestly, I hesitated to even bring it up, for I am not one to complain too loudly or insistently – but I simply must object to the current situation vis-à-vis your Monster “plays”. I ruefully note that “Gremlins”, “Count Dracula” and my good friend, the “Abominable Snowman” a.k.a. “Yeti” have all entered your on-field lexicon. Even “Trogdor”, that vile man, er, dragon-man, er…just dragon…seems to hold a place closer to your heart.

Am I too kind-hearted? Does my fluffiness put me out of the running? (But then, you would have to explain Yeti, who, while not overly charming, is certainly fluffy) Is it my Japanese nature? (But surely I heard you yell "Godzilla" just the other day?) But perhaps I am just being too sensitive? Could it be that you simply have not heard of me? My name is Totoro and I am a spirit of the woods. There is a movie all bout me . I even have an asteroid named after me!
I sleep in an enchanted camphor tree by day. I can command the wind at will and those soft hooting sounds you sometimes hear at night? That’s me! Well, me and my friends. I have two little ones – Chu-Totoro and Chibi-Totoro – who help protect the woods with me. I miss Mei and Satsuki, two young Japanese girls who used to hang out with me, but they are too old for me now. Wait…that sounds really bad.

Well, perhaps I should wrap up. I would just like to put myself forward as a candidate for your next wonderful play. It would warm my furry, pointy ears to hear you yell out “Totoro!” in earnest on the field. Good luck on the fields and may the wind be with you!

Yours truly,

Totoro

(Also, the makkurokurosuke have a few choice words for you! Please think of them too.)

First We Take Boston, Then We Take...er...Berlin?

Boston, Massachusetts.

Founded in 1630. Home to the golden-domed State House. Home to the Red Sox and the Green Monster of Fenway Park. Home to Harvard, MIT and Tufts Universities. Home to the Bostonian Accent.

How to speak like a Bostonian: Whenever possible, use a long “a” sound, (Zaaaan, faaaathah), even if “a” isn’t the correct vowel (“Saaaania” or “It sure is haaaat out”). When it is absolutely necessary to use a short “a” sound, turn it into an “ya” sound: “Pat” becomes “Pyat”, “Daph” becomes “Dyaf”. Also, drop all your “r”s at the end of syllables or before a consonant, as in “Haaa’vaaa’d” or “Team Maaansteh”.

But I digress. I should be writing of Devens, MA.

There is nothing whatsoever in Devens, MA. The only two interesting things about Devens, MA are that it is 40 miles outside of Boston and that this week-end it is hosting the UPA Mixed Easterns tournament.

It is tournament number two for MONSTER 2.0. We have been seeded last in our pool. Ahead of us is Puppet Regime (#1), Big Red Death Machine (#2) and Levitation Holmes (#3). This Saturday will be a chance to show us how incorrect this seeding is and to make an international name for MONSTER. Luckily, I’ve been able to do some background research on these teams. It bodes well for our pool play.

At a recent tournament (May 17-18), Big Red Death Machine were seeded third in their pool behind Bashing Piñatas and Muff ‘n Men (both also at Mixed Easterns). They lost to both teams. We have a good chance to beat this team. Things to know about the team: they haven't updated their website since 2006. Puppet Regime were seeded first in their pool, although they lost to the second place team. They look like they will be a tough team. Things to know about the team: everyone on their roster is taller than me. Finally, Leviation Holmes were seeded fourth in their pool and lost all their games handily. We had better not lose to this team. Things to know about the team: their girls have really hot names, like Mara, Yvonne, Eliza, Natalie, Hannah and Hannah. After that, our last game of the day will be against one of Chinstrap, Gecko, Muff ‘n Men and JHOP. None of these games will be easy.

However, we have the team that can win these games. Here are some brief biographies of the attending players:

joe

First arrested in 1986 and charged with impersonation of a Federal Agent, Joe Crampton has left a trail of treachery and deceit behind him. He has only been arrested once since, for non-payment of parking fines. This is remarkable considering the numerous confidence schemes he has been involved in, which are often successful, leaving no connection to him. But mark my words, shortly after first encountering Joe, it is not unusual to discover that your identity has been stolen, your credit has be maxed out, your best wine has been drunk and your daughter is pregnant.

jim

With his devasting left foot, deft ball placement and considerable pace, Jim is a worthy addition to any midfield. His ability to curve the ball around the wall and into the net from free kicks as close as 20 feet have led to the coining of the phrase "jim'll bend it!". His hot temper has gotten him into trouble on a number of occasions and he has picked up ten yellow cards this season for disrepecting the referee. Field him with caution when your team is playing poorly, as he may draw a red card. He has never played Ultimate.

daphne

The room suddenly went dark and Daphne found herself blinking rapidly in an effort to restore her vision. Every move she made sounded deafening loud to her. She could hear the blood rushing in her temples. It was in here with her. Its rank odour filled the room, but too dispersed for her to get a fix on its location. The air was completely still and felt like a warm, damp cloth pressed down over her skin. With only one shot left, it had to be a good one. What was it that Sensai had said? Between the eyes was the only shot worth taking. Daphne squared her shoulders in decision. "Here I come, you alien asshole!"

nate

An elite counterespionage agent, Nate’s typical mornings involve a light continental breakfast with an espresso, preferably of Peruvian origin. This is followed by a moderately-intense yoga routine and, as often as not, acrobatic sexual congress with one or more foreign agents sent to seduce him. Nate speaks seventeen languages fluently with additional regional variations, when necessary. It is not unusual for him to kill two or three enemy agents before lunch. Nate lost one eye in a tragic fencing accident and wears a silver eyepatch.

amanda

AMANDA (Antarctic Muon And Neutrino Detector Array) is a neutrino telescope located at the South Pole. Made up of 677 photomultipler tubes sunk 1500 meters into the ice, AMANDA is designed to detect high-energy neutrinos as they pass through the Earth from the northern hemisphere and exit at the South Pole. By analysing the photon hit—by-products of a neutrino’s collision with oxygen or hydrogen atoms—in the optical modules, estimations of the direction of travel of the original neutrino can be made, allowing for closer study of our Sun and for research into dark matter. AMANDA was phased out in 2005.

graeme

Local entrepreneur, playboy, mountebank and all around gadabout, Graeme is well known amongst the glitterati as the sort of person one must have at dinner parties, if only for the potential anecdotes his presence will generate. It is generally accepted that the trail of broken hearts, pilfered heirlooms and newly acquired drug habits are the prices one must pay to stay in contact with his scintillating charm.

juan

Juan is the son of an ironmonger. At the age of fifteen he was mistakenly apprenticed to a pirate and as a result has one wooden leg and a hook for his left hand. He likes to mete out small doses of his vast, accrued experiences on the high seas, but is likely to bite off your hand if you should question their veracity. A small volume of his poems was published in 1997 and a memoir was scheduled for release in 2002 but has not yet seen the light of day.

steve

Steve likes scotch. I mean, he really likes that stuff. His preference is single malt, but he also enjoys the occasional tipple of vatted malt blended or single grain scotch. He enjoys Islay, Campbeltown, Lowland and Highland whiskies, but his favourites are from the Speyside region (e.g. Macallan, Glenfiddich, Balvenie, Glenlivet, Aberlour). He really just can’t drink enough of scotches, especially those with a gold colour, a smoky caramel nose (with hints of apricot pie) that go on with overtones of plum jam and heather, have a mouth of salty liquorice, rosemary, rubber and soap and have a long finish—salty with a little caramel (Werther’s).

paul

Paul remains an elusive and mysterious creature. Only a handful have ever been observed in the wild and there is no photographic evidence on record. All that remains is a partial skeleton in a backroom of the Smithsonian. However, even from this limited evidence, it is obvious that paulus avias is a remarkable bird capable of sustaining flight for up to two hours with a single flap of its two meter wingspan. To see one in flight is to be truly blessed. native to the Antarctic Ice Shelf

hilda

Understanding Hilda’s behaviour and recognizing signs of her recent passing are important when hiking or camping in Hilda territory. She has a keen sense of smell—up to seven times more powerful than dogs—and can detect odours over a mile away. Hilda is nervous, shy and easily frightened, but she can cause serious injury if startled, cornered, or provoked. It is therefore advisable to NEVER STARTLE HILDA! “Advertise” your presence by wearing bells, singing, clapping, etc. If Hilda approaches you STAY CALM and absolutely DO NOT RUN, merely back away slowly talking in a soothing voice. As a last resort, make sure you can run faster than your companions, as she will stop to feast on the first victim.

pat

In the bustling world of British fashion, one name stands out in the crowded menswear field – Pat Dolan. Dolan has developed a cult following for his casual clothing line, with it’s clean, elegant lines and refined use of fabrics and embroidery. He has presented an ambitious five collections this season alone and made his Paris debut in February 2007. Objections were raised when he was not named to the annual “100 influential people in fashion list” in Vogue Magazine. His star is still on the rise, however. One to watch!

sonia

It is late spring and the trees and grass are already blossoming. The air is full of pollen and flying insects, fertilizing the flowering plants. The trees might not object, but your sinuses certainly do! Naturally, your thoughts turn immediately to Sonia®. Use new and improved Sonia® once-daily to control your allergy symptoms. WARNING: May cause drowsiness or fatigue. Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Sonia®.

hilary

Hilary is the edible fruit of a tree, native to south-eastern Asia. His name comes from the Malay word duri which means “thorn”. The shape of Hilary ranges from oblong to round, the colour of his husk from green to brown, and his flesh from pale to red. His hard outer husk is covered with sharp, prickly thorns and the flesh within emits a strong, distinctive odour. Some regard this odour as fragrant, while the uninitiated often find it overpowering or offensive. The edible portion of Hilary is the custard-like flesh.

zan zan (steph)

Steph was born in 1905 in Los Angeles, California to a laundryman and a female physics professor. As a teenager she began to take small, walk-on parts in the early days of Hollywood. Her first big role was alongside Douglas Fairbanks in The Thief of Bagdad. Subsequent roles in Piccadilly and Shanghai Express cemented her place in the pantheon of silent film stars, but she subsequently faded into obscurity. However, due to a foolish and tragic time-travel experiment conducted at Berkley in 1968, she began to age backward and every morning wakes up one day younger. This has led to great confusion at Revenue Canada.

peyton

Leaning against the wooden fence, Peyton projects the very picture of congeniality. “I didn’t really worry about the fire at the time,” he says with a depreciative shrug. “I was just concerned with getting in that house and saving the children.” Firefighters have said that his heroic and timely actions saved the three orphans from certain death by smoke inhalation. I asked Peyton why, with the resulting second-degree burns he suffered, he didn’t stop his heroic actions then. “Well, when the ambulance was stopped at the traffic lights, I saw a pregnant single mother having trouble swimming in the lake, and I just dove right in, so to speak,” he says with a wry chuckle. Mother and child are doing well thanks to Peyton, who also delivered the baby on the spot. Peyton’s left arm was subsequently amputated due to infection of his burns with clostridium difficile contracted from the lake water.

pam

The sunlight dappled the still pond with leopard spots. The air hung heavy and damp, casting a pregnant aura, as though holding its breath. The same sunlight danced through the grasses, illuminating small predators stalking smaller prey in an absurdity of slow-motion. The infrequent, cooling breezes were preceded by a heralding rustle of distant leaves, and the whole world seemed to turn expectantly towards the sound. Leaning casually back against the back porch, Pam watched as dew beaded on the glass in her hand, mirrored by the sweat that traced a path down her nose. "God damn it!" she said. "What the fuck does a girl have to do to get a decent mojito around here?"